As some of you may know, there’s a presidential election coming up. But what if neither Barack Obama or Mitt Romney float your boat? Not to worry, Mother Jones shows that there are plenty of other presidential fish in the candidate pool. Do you miss the Free Soil party, you know, the one that nominated Martin Van Buren in 1848? Then Douglas Van Raam is your man. He’s resurrected the party that had an anti-slavery platform. Maybe you’re a big fan of Rutherford B. Hayes. You’re in luck—he’s running! Or a least his namesake, a former beauty pageant executive. There’s a guy running on the prohibition line. I wonder what he thinks about another candidate who advocates drinking hydrogen peroxide to cure illnesses. There’s a reformed drug dealer, even a man who is suing Facebook for stealing his idea for … well, Facebook. And that’s just the beginning. In other words, if you’re flipping a coin to see who to vote for, don’t worry. You have clear choices other than None-of-the-above.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.