Nicolas Cage saves Christmas … sort of
Hard to tell whether the line on this Nicolas Cage pillow case—”See you in my dreams”—is meant to be a threat or a comfort. Either way, it was the best holiday gift ever for this one reviewer:
“It’s Nicolas freakin’ Cage. Who wouldn’t want this? I bought one for all my loved ones for Christmas. They were at a loss for words. So much in fact, I haven’t heard from any of them since Christmas. Totally worth the money.”
Not just a timesaver, but a better life
via amazon.comAh, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, not to be confused with the now discontinued 471 Model (just kidding, there’s no such thing). If you haven’t spent some time reading these reviews, you’re spending too much time doing other things, like slicing bananas the old fashioned way:
“Banana Slicer Saved My Life: What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old ‘I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?’ Then there’s, ‘You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12-hour shift just to come home to THIS?!’ These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our six-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier.”
Some people do have a problem with the rather limited applicability of the tool, as you can tell from the online questions:
“Question: Can this be used on cucumbers?
Answer: Um, no. This one is yellow. Bananas are YELLOW. Cucumbers are GREEN. You would need to purchase a green one for cucumbers.”
Are you happy to see me or is that a 7-pound Swiss Army Knife in your pocket?
via amazon.comHow can the Internet resist poking fun at an 87-implement Swiss Army Knife that’s bigger than a dinner plate? It can’t. Here are some of the sharper reviews:
“Question: Can it core a apple?
Answer: Of course it can, but the apple-corer blade is accessible only if you use it immediately after the bagpipe bladder stitch removal cumberbutton and before using the panda baby spoon.”
“Surprising Results. I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was near by. Which was nice.”
Others weren’t as impressed:
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“I had it in my hip pocket; then I fell down. When I got up, I was dead. Other than that, it’s OK.”
“Disappointing. This would be a great product but was dismayed to find it has no banana slicer—that’s a deal breaker. Returning today.”
For girly hands
via amazon.comBack in 2012, Bic made the mistake of mansplaining writing to women—”thin barrel to fit a woman’s hand”—with their line of Bic for Her Pens. The Internet was not amused:
“If I write something with these pens, does that mean whatever I write is still wrong?”
“I’d really like to buy a pack of these pens; but I probably need my father’s or husband’s permission first.”
“Not pink enough. I was disappointed to find that only one fifth of the pens I received were pink. Or, maybe more, I can’t do math.”
The man’s version takes a beating too
via amazon.comBic has since discontinued its For Her line (wonder why?), but people still like to make a point about pens. The standard black ink version of the old school writing implement received these reviews on the U.K. Amazon site:
“Does it use invisible ink? I tried filling it with invisible ink but got in a horrible mess because I couldn’t tell when it was full. Also can’t tell whether it’s run out or not.”
“Incompatible. Simple instrument in classic black with nice slimline profile. It allows me to write proficiently in English, pretty bloody awfully in French.”
Some people even find this version offensive, if for different reasons:
“What, no V chip? You’d think, with all of the new anti-obscenity laws, that this pen would have a V-chip installed. It DOESN’T!!!!! You should see some of the filthy words and drawings that my children were able to write with this product. I am going to file a formal complaint with the FCC.”
A dork you are
via amazon.comThis awesome officially licensed Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin outfit will make sure you never have to buy Bic pens for girls:
“Chick Repellent. I was tired of getting hit on by beautiful women every time I went out in public, and then I bought this jacket. Problem solved. I must add that this jacket’s repellent powers are infinitely multiplied when coupled with the included Medal of Yavin. Without it, the untrained female eye may confuse this ceremonial jacket with a Justin Timberlake style biker coat.”
Bet you didn’t know these mind-blowing facts about Star Wars.
Is this thing on?
via amazon.comApparently, this UFO Detector is not solving anyone’s problems:
“One star is too much for this product. I don’t know if this is a scam or if mine was broken, but it doesn’t work and I am still getting abducted by UFOs on a regular basis. Maybe the battery’s dead? I’m literally inside of a UFO right now, and the thing’s just sitting there.”
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…. And it’s making life hard for our new alien overlords
via amazon.com“This lights up every time I get near it. What does that mean? Fellow Aliens, stay away from houses with these. As an Alien myself, I extremely hate creeping into humans houses and then seeing them race up and down, freaking out because they know I’m there.”
It ain’t a small problem
via amazon.comNo one can tell if they like The Hobbit Invisible Bilbo Baggins Action Figure or not:
“After all the positive reviews I found myself caught up in the excitement and ordered this in a moment of madness. In all honesty I can’t see the appeal, I just can’t see it at all.”
“I bought this action figure but have literally no idea whether it arrived. I couldn’t see it. I think my son might have been playing with it, but maybe he was just making eerie passes in the air with his two hands. This makes it the best action figure ever. Or the worst. I think we should be told.”
Anything but a pickle
via amazon.comThe Yodeling Pickle, a piece of pickle-shaped plastic that yodels at the press of a button, promises hours of entertainment (“You’ll think you’re in the Swiss Alps!”), but receivers of this unusual gift have had other ideas.
One reviewer writes:
“Is this waterproof? My friend wants to know for …reasons.”
It must be a common conundrum, as another reviewer asks:
“Is it Normal? The yodeling pickle in my house appears to be possessed. Whenever I put it away in the kitchen cupboard it mysteriously appears in the top drawer of my wife’s bedside table.”
Yet another reviewer has mistaken the pickle for a different kind of accessory:
“On my birthday, I found this cute little green item on my dresser. I assumed Brad had left it for me as a ‘special’ birthday gift. I tried for hours to figure out how to pry off the lid so I could load it properly, but no go. Then the thing started yodeling at me, and I thought, Well, no more from that dispensary.’ Disappointed. Stick with a bong.”
Shhh! One of the best things ever. Don’t tell.
via amazon.comWhite Face Paint—solving so many problems in one small container:
“Perfection in a Tube. My mime class went ape-crazy over this stuff. Comments ranged from “_________!” to “__________!!!” You’ve never seen people so excited.”
Not everyone’s impressed, though:
“Still waiting, by Dinh Nguyenon. I have covered myself in this stuff. When does the privilege kick in? Will change rating to 5-star when it does.”