In our household, my wife’s job is to cook, clean, take care of our daughter, do the books, pull in the money, kiss my boo-boos, chop down trees, fend off pirates, and chase the neighbor’s kids off our lawn. My job is to kill the spiders. I do it because Jennifer would rather watch a five-part series on Clay Matthews tackling quarterbacks on ESPN than kill spiders.
And she’s not alone. In the current issue of the Digest, we ran this news item from chicoer.com, along with the joke it reminded us of: Eiliya Maida was sick and tired of the spiderwebs all over his Chico, California, backyard. So he decided to go after them once and for all … with a blowtorch. It worked—he got rid of the spiderwebs. Of course, he almost got rid of his home, too, when the attic caught fire, causing $25,000 worth of damage.
Here’s the joke: I was visiting my son the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. “Dad, this is the 21st century,” he said. “I don’t waste money on newspapers. But if you like, you can borrow my iPad.”
I can tell you this: That spider never knew what hit him.
Yes, most of us are born arachnophobes. But one guy took his phobia further than most of us, with hilarious results. Best of all, he caught it all on video. And gawker.com presented it. Next time, he’ll just get a can of Raid.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.