InstagramThere were notable losses this week—film critic Roger Ebert, artist Carmine Infantino, and America’s oldest woman all passed away—which means laughter in the headlines was more important than ever. Here’s our look at the week in weird:
• German authorities quarantine Justin Bieber’s pet monkey: After landing in Munich for a concert, lil pop dude Justin Bieber surrendered his pet capuchin to customs agents because he lacked proper paperwork for the beast (seen left). There’s got to be a Jimmy Fallon sketch in here somewhere.
• Iranian company shoots for world ice cream record: Looking to dethrone Baskin-Robbins’ 8,865-pound tub of ice cream from 2005, Choopan Dairy in Iran has invested over $30,000 into a five-ton vat that could soon make its way into the Guinness Book of World Records. Talk about sore udders, am I right?
• More Americans eating guinea pigs: Who knew? “Middle-class foodies with a taste for exotic delicacies are… ordering, photographing and blogging about guinea pig. The animals — called cuyes in Spanish — are usually cooked whole, often grilled, sometimes deep fried. Many diners eat every last morsel, literally from head to toe,” reports NPR.
• Cops respond to screaming goat: We already know goats are stealing our jobs, but now they’re distracting our police, too. Tennessee’s Herald-Citizen reports that a concerned resident called 911 after hearing screams outside of her home. But things were not as they seemed. “We could hear what appeared to be a man screaming for help in the direction of a residence on Jackson Passage north of Edwards Lane,” Deputy Will Page told the paper. “It was actually coming from a goat that was tied to a fence.” Baah-sted.
• First American Laughter Championship to be held: Participants will reportedly be tested on their ability to perform a “belly laugh, the Alabama knee-slapper, the maniacal laugh and the diabolical laugh.” The goal is to get the audience to laugh with your laugh, thereby forming an infinite loop of guffawing insanity.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.