• 100,000 killer bees attack Tampa, FL: Two park rangers were hospitalized after accidentally disturbing a hive of Africanized killer bees while working. The (allegedly) homicidal insects filled their truck and stung them nearly 100 times. Silver lining: The workers are expected to recover completely.
• Batman is real—and British: Police in West Yorkshire, England released photographs of a man who apprehended a criminal and brought him to police while wearing a Batman costume. “Batman came into the helpdesk, stated to the staff ‘I’ve caught this one for you’ and then promptly vanished into the night to fight crime and the fear of crime in Bradford,” the neighborhood police force said via Facebook. Perhaps the vigilante was inspired by life advice as dispensed by superheroes.
• Scientists unveil previously unseen “kissing” octopus: As of Wednesday, visitors can now check out a rare kissing octopus at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco. During mating, they appear to be smooching. And unlike other octopi, the females kindly refrain from eating the males during sex—romantic!
• Disabled man faces 30 days in jail for loud laughter: The 42-year-old Robert Schiavelli of Long Island, New York says a grumpy neighbor won’t put up with his chortling any longer—the man’s complained to police twice about Schiavelli, resulting in two summonses that each carry a $250 fine or 15 days of jail time. “The last time I checked, it was not a crime to laugh,” said Andrew Campanelli, Schiavelli’s lawyer.
• U.N. diplomats are drinking too much: U.S. ambassador Joseph Torsella says that delegates from other countries are showing up hammered to important budget discussions. He’s proposing that negotiation rooms be “inebriation-free zones” moving forward. Come on, guys. Did he really need to spell that out?
(Image by Hein Waschefort via Wikimedia Commons.)
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.