13+ Things Your Pizza Guy Won’t Tell You

Love pizza? Get smarter about service with our list of things pizza delivery people wish you knew before dialing in your order.

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1. It's a pizza, not a lifetime commitment.

1. It's a pizza, not a lifetime commitment. iStock/Miodrag Gajic
My other line is ringing, so choose the toppings before you call.

2. We know when kids are prank-calling us.

2. We know when kids are prank-calling us.iStock/victorass88
They can’t mask their voices very well. The smart ones block the phone number. The dumb ones don’t.

3. Accidents happen.

3. Accidents happen.iStock/PeopleImages
If I drop your pizza on the way, sometimes I’ll shake the box to get the cheese to slide back on right.

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4. Patience, please!

4. Patience, please!iStock/Dan Moore
It takes about 20 minutes to go from raw dough to fully baked pizza. And then I have to drive to your house.

5. Why won't we deliver to some neighborhoods?

5. Why won't we deliver to some neighborhoods?iStock/sergio kumer
In some neighborhoods, a kid getting out of a car with a pizza in his hands is like screaming, “Rob me! I have cash!”

6. I'm a human being.

6. I'm a human being.iStock/IPGGutenbergUKLtd
When you see me drenched and shivering in the rain, it’s not nice to close the door in my face while you search for some quarters in the sofa cushions.

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7. Use your manners.

7. Use your manners.iStock/Pablo Calvo
When you open the door, please hang up your cell phone or put it down. It’s basic etiquette.

8. Before you open the door,

8. Before you open the door,iStock/livecal
I’d prefer that you have a shirt on (and definitely some pants).

9. Tips should be 10 to 15 percent of your order.

9. Tips should be 10 to 15 percent of your order. iStock/Izabela Habur
If you order a lot of pizza—say, hundreds of dollars’ worth, for a party or something—but give me a $1 tip, well, I’m going to have a problem with that.

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10. The more gated the community, the more guarded the wallet.

10. The more gated the community, the more guarded the wallet.iStock/alphavisions
The best tips actually come from middle- and lower-class people who know what we go through.

11. I remember every customer who doesn't tip.

11. I remember every customer who doesn't tip.iStock/Evren Ata Deniz
I won’t do anything to jeopardize my job, but shaking the soda on the next delivery would not be out of the question.

12. I can't wait forever.

12. I can't wait forever.iStock/vgajic
I’ll knock on your door three times and call you on the phone twice. If you don’t answer, don’t call later to complain that you didn’t get your food.

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13. Some people want more than just pizza.

13. Some people want more than just pizza.iStock/Petrea Alexandru
A guy once ordered pizza from me just so he’d have some help moving his sofa up a flight of stairs. I agreed to help him. He gave me a few extra bucks. I took it.

14. Telling me your address is just the first step.

14. Telling me your address is just the first step.iStock/Erin Castillo
Making sure the number is on your house or mailbox is kind of important too.

15. I can't afford to be choosy.

15. I can't afford to be choosy.iStock/kone
We have some fantastic customers and some who are just terrible. But I’ll deliver to them all—this is what I do.

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16. I'm just a kid.

16. I'm just a kid.iStock/GregorBister
Many delivery drivers are teenage boys, and most parents don’t like their teenage boys driving around at night in downpours or blizzards. Yet these same people have no qualms about having other teenage kids deliver their pizza in these conditions.

17. There are always special customers.

17. There are always special customers.iStock/David Sucsy
Like the little old lady who wants to pay her bill with a $5 check. I’ll take it because none of us want to be mean to a grandmother. But if she hasn’t ordered from us before, I won’t take it.

18. Keep it short and sweet.

18. Keep it short and sweet.iStock/YinYang
We act like we really want to have a conversation with you at your door, but we don’t, unless we know you. Basically, we just want to get the delivery over with. I will try to be as nice to you as possible, but if you complain that I’m late, or if you have a problem with your order, I won’t be so nice.

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19.The majority of our employees work 12-14 hours a day.

19.The majority of our employees work 12-14 hours a day.iStock/Danin Tulic
At the end of the day, we just want to go home. So please don’t call for a delivery at closing time and then complain that we can’t accommodate you.

20. At our shop, we use our own cars to deliver pizza.

20. At our shop, we use our own cars to deliver pizza.iStock/GregorBister
Last week one of our guys smashed his car into a pole on an icy road. Now he’s using a rental car.

21. I'm one of the easiest people to get along with.

21. I'm one of the easiest people to get along with.iStock/Izabela Habur
But if you’re rude to me, I have no problem going toe-to-toe with you.

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22. I can't wait much longer than a few minutes.

22. I can't wait much longer than a few minutes.iStock/YinYang
Don’t jump in the shower right after you order pizza and then not the answer the door.

23. If you live across the street, please don’t call for a delivery.

23. If you live across the street, please don’t call for a delivery.iStock/Linda Steward
Get off your rear end and pick up the pizza yourself.

24. I'm over pizza.

24. I'm over pizza.iStock/Sasa Dinic
After I leave this job, I’m sure I won’t be able to eat pizza for at least a year.

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25. Time is money.

25. Time is money.iStock/Miodrag Gajic
The majority of customers who stand there chatting about the weather are just trying to make up for not giving us tips.

26. You ordered the pizza.

26. You ordered the pizza.iStock/&#169 Dennis Hoyne
You know how much it costs. Please have your money (and tip) ready when you answer the door.

27. I don't have the authority to give you a discount.

27. I don't have the authority to give you a discount.iStock/vgajic
Really, I don't. I'm just the delivery guy.
Sources: Anonymous pizza delivery people in New York, North Carolina, and Pennsylvania.

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