There were so many proclamations of love at the conventions the past few weeks it felt like Valentine’s Day had come a few months early, as Alessandra Stanley noted in The New York Times: “Ann loves Mitt, Mitt loves Ann…Joe Biden’s wife Jill loves Joe, and Joe loves his ‘Jilly’… And Barack loves Michelle and Michelle loves Barack, even more than she did four years ago.”
But it’s not a love affair without chocolate, right? (And, like love, chocolate is bi-partisan! Think life, liberty, and the pursuit of chocolate.) I think the candidates should stock up on these sweet election-themed truffles from Moonstruck Chocolates—they come in both donkey (Democrat) and elephant (Republican) shapes—and give them to the objects of their affection. In the meantime, I’m tempted to put both types out in the RD offices to see which goes first… May the best candy win.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.