I was enjoying lunch with my colleague Andrea last week when I stopped her mid-sentence: “That. Is. Genius!” I exclaimed. Andrea looked confused. I pointed to her chopsticks, which were neatly perched on a miniature stand so they wouldn’t touch the table before or during our meal.
I made her show me the magic technique: Andrea had taken the little paper wrapper chopsticks come in, deftly folded it over once and then again, and had an instant place to prop her utensils. I snapped a picture, and wished I hadn’t crumpled up my wrapper already. But from here on out, my chopsticks are getting their own little spot—it’s fun to make and extra-sanitary!
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.