1. Into the Church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrelsâthe town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
3. Good Lights
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, butâwanting to make sure each bulb workedâshe asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
"Great," she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
"I donât want this box," she said abruptly. "Itâs been opened."
Stop the Presses
These holiday âheadlinesâ â concocted by the satirists at the Onion â are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read
5. Hiding the Presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spotâthe furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive theyâd remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
6. Gift Exchange
My friend reviewed her young sonâs fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: âAt Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.â His response: âReceipts.â
7. Limited Knowledge
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You canât do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Donât worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if Iâve been bad or good, but he doesnât know the cookie fell on the floor?"
8. Odd Christmas Visit
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crÃ¨che, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan."
9. Quick Cleanup
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
10. Post Holiday Blues
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, sheâd planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didnât know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
11. Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after Iâd gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but donât make it harder than it already is."
12. Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, "What time does Jesus get here?"
13. Christmas Eve Service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"