My First Joke
by Zach Galifianakis
[The joke, told 16 years ago at a club in Times Square, went like this]: I was with this girl the other night, and we ended up at her house, and she said, “Hey, look, you can crash on my futon.” And I looked at her, and I said, “I don’t sleep on anything that rhymes with crouton.”
I think I heard a cough and a fork drop at the same time. Silence. But after that night, I remember thinking to myself—not to be too dramatic, but I do remember—This is the path I’m going to take.
—Excerpted from the New York Daily News
• Zack Galifianakis stars in The Hangover 3 (out May 24).
Dealing with the Network
by Louis CK
HBO asked us why there was no nudity [while we were shooting Lucky Louie]. What they really meant was, Why wasn’t Pamela Adlon, who played my wife, nude? When I hired Pam, I didn’t tell her she was going to be doing anything like that. It wasn’t supposed to be that kind of show. So I said, “You know what, I’ll do it.” And I did that episode, and they were like, “Okay, we have plenty of nudity, thank you.”
—Excerpted from the New York Times
• Louis CK stars in, writes, and directs Louie on FX.
Forming My Act
by Joan Rivers
I was always very edgy, but for me, “very edgy” in the ’60s was talking about my hairdresser, Mr. Phyllis. People gasped. I talked about having an affair with a married professor. People gasped. I even talked about my mother wanting me to get married and putting up a sign saying “Last Girl Before Freeway.” And people said, “You don’t bring family and dirty laundry onstage.” So what I was doing then was very outrageous — for then.
—Excerpted from the San Francisco Chronicle
• Joan Rivers costars in Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? on WE.
The Wrong Club
by Heather McDonald
I was new in the business when a guy offered me a gig at his club in Santa Monica. When I got to the address and spotted the illuminated silhouettes of women flashing on the roof, I was energized. This place really supports female comics, I told myself. I walked to the door and announced to the bouncer that I was there to perform.
“Are you here for amateur night?” he asked.
Though I’d been doing stand-up for a year, I tried not to appear offended. He motioned to a waitress, who led me into the green room, where I met the other comedians. My first thought: They’re all so attractive. I wonder if they’ll be telling jokes about being single and dating like me. My second thought: Why are they wearing only their bras and underwear?
Suddenly, the feeling came over me that I had had once before when I was applying lip liner in a poorly lit bathroom at a TGI Friday’s and a man emerged from the stall — I’m in the wrong place!
They all think I’m a stripper!
Of course, I was flattered. Who wouldn’t be? And when I found out the prize was $100, I considered entering. But then I remembered the high-waisted panties I was wearing and decided to stick with comedy.
• Heather McDonald is a regular on the E! network’s Chelsea Lately.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.