9 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

Writers, comedians, and other personalities reflect on Thanksgiving traditions with a collection of funny, quotable quotes.

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Jay Leno with a Thanksgiving Quote

Jay Leno with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: How do you know when you've had too much Thanksgiving dinner?

Jon Stewart with a Thanksgiving Quote

Jon Stewart with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: How can you celebrate Thanksgiving like the Pilgrims did?

Carl Sagan with a Thanksgiving Quote

Carl Sagan with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What's a scientist's recipe for apple pie?

George Carlin with a Thanksgiving Quote

George Carlin with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What are you serving for dinner this Thanksgiving?

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Erma Bombeck with a Thanksgiving Quote

Erma Bombeck with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What do you serve to drink at Thanksgiving?

Jim Davis with a Thanksgiving Quote

Jim Davis with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: How do you get the kids to eat their veggies at the Thanksgiving table?

Nicole Hollander with a Thanksgiving Quote

Nicole Hollander with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What's the best way to use any leftovers?

Erma Bombeck with a Thanksgiving Quote

Erma Bombeck with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What's a good time to serve Thanksgiving dinner?

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Ted Nugent with a Thanksgiving Quote

Ted Nugent with a Thanksgiving Quote
Q: What's a good Thanksgiving quote for the vegetarians at the table?

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.