Absurdly Macho Father’s Day Gifts People Actually Buy

Sometimes, you're better off just going with a tie...

View as Slideshow

A Bacon Wallet

A Bacon WalletAmazon.com
Now the breadwinner in your life can bring home the bacon, INSIDE MORE BACON!  With this easy-greasy faux leather billfold, your father can advertise his cholester-almighty manliness to the world with every purchase, proudly oinking, "Yes, I have an income—and yes, it is all going toward bacon." 

Warning: not recommended for rabbis.  

$10.56 on Amazon

Matching Father/Son Hairy Chest Disco Tees

Matching Father/Son Hairy Chest Disco TeesAmazon.com
"Dad, take me to '70s night! Can't you tell by the way I use my walk I'm a woman's man?"

"No time to talk! Under the strobe lights of the disco, nobody will be able to tell I didn't grow this luxuriant man-fur naturally with our matching Chest Hair T-shirts. They also won't be able to tell that you're eight months old."

Starting at $26.85 (adult) and $19.85 (child) on Amazon

11 Pounds of Nutella

11 Pounds of NutellaAmazon.com
Heavy enough to use as a free weight, deep enough to last through even the most grueling football game, this baby-hippo-sized tub of hazelnut molasses puts the "mmmm" back in "food commmma."

Warning: May be marketed as "fun size" in America.

$74.95 on Amazon

Hulk Hogan's Cloak from Rocky III

Hulk Hogan's Cloak from Rocky IIIAmazon.com
Whatcha gonna do? Not enrobe yourself in a silky-smooth relic of film and professional wrestling history? DON'T EVEN JOKE LIKE THAT. Perfect for cookouts, magic shows, or just cozy nights with the Missus, Thunderlips' red cloak truly is the ultimate cape, for the ultimate male.

$174.99 on Amazon. Act fast.

Content continues below ad

A Knit Beard-Beanie

A Knit Beard-BeanieAmazon.com
With this Beard Beanie, no dad needs to live in beardless shame any longer! This warm yarn beard-hat hybrid is perfect for parties, cold nights, and undercover high school sting operations, e.g. 21 Jump Street. Dad already have a beard? Even better! Doublebeard. It might as well come with a Hummer.

$35.00 on Amazon

A BBQ Branding Iron

A BBQ Branding IronAmazon.com
A personalized porterhouse? It's the cooking man's answer to girly charm bracelets. This customizable branding iron includes "every letter of the alphabet, plus extra letters and spacers," so your dad can finally let all his BBQ attendees know that every steak is "Certified Awesome," "Big Joe's Property," or simply and most importantly, "STEAK."

$18.88 on Amazon

An Umbrella Sword-Cane

An Umbrella Sword-CaneAmazon.com
Here's a scenario every father is sick of dealing with: It's Tuesday night, rainy after work, and Professor Moriarty's thugs jump you in the dreary streets of London. Fortunately, Dad need not choose between safety and an unsullied briefcase anymore, thanks to this fully functional umbrella—that is also a sword!

$18.95 on Amazon

A Deer Rear Bottle Opener

A Deer Rear Bottle OpenerAmazon.com
As manly as the time-honored tradition of drinkin' beer may be, it lacks a certain carnivorous oomph. Doesn't your father deserve this wall-mountable doe rump? Bottoms up!

$99.00 on Amazon

Content continues below ad

This Pistol-Shaped Can Koozie

This Pistol-Shaped Can KoozieAmazon.com
Drinking and handling firearms is a dangerous, irresponsible offense. But for the guy who thinks about popping caps even as he's un-capping pops, here's the pistol-shaped beverage holder he never knew was missing in his life.

$9.18 on Amazon 

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.