America’s Worst Waiters Tell You Their Valentine’s Day Secrets

We asked the worst waiters in America for pointers on dining out on Valentine's Day. Here is their advice.

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Feel free to drink as much as you want.

Feel free to drink as much as you want.
It’s common knowledge that everyone is wittier, smarter, handsomer, thinner, and richer the more they knock back. Plus, we make most of our money off booze.

The Valentine's Day menu tends to be an expensive proposition.

The Valentine's Day menu tends to be an expensive proposition.
So if you’re not enjoying your date, feel free to salvage the night by taking some time during the meal to call someone more interesting.

Propose to your date.

Propose to your date.
Warn us first, and we’ll seat you in the center of the room with a klieg light trained on you. This way, everyone can watch you pop the question. Should she turn you down, laugh and say, “Just kidding!” Then excuse yourself and leave through the back door.

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Order a bottle of wine if you are both going to have more than one glass.

Order a bottle of wine if you are both going to have more than one glass.
Bottles are always a better value. Box wine is even cheaper. And moonshine served in one of those plastic Chinese soup take out containers is cheaper still. Plus, there may be a lingering wanton aftertaste.

If the thought of buying a bottle of wine is daunting, go online for recommendations.

If the thought of buying a bottle of wine is daunting, go online for recommendations.
Good questions to look up: “What wine goes best with chicken tacos?” and “If she spills wine on me, do I get to spill wine on her?”

Nothing says love quite like leaving a large tip for your waiter.

Nothing says love quite like leaving a large tip for your waiter.
Nothing!

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Instead of going out to a four-star restaurant and dining on lobster thermidor by candlelight, consider buying your date a coffee mug with a heart on it.

Instead of going out to a four-star restaurant and dining on lobster thermidor by candlelight, consider buying your date a coffee mug with a heart on it.
Coffee mugs are one of those things you can never have enough of.

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