America’s Worst Waiters Tell You Their Valentine’s Day Secrets

We asked the worst waiters in America for pointers on dining out on Valentine's Day. Here is their advice.

View as Slideshow

Feel free to drink as much as you want.

It’s common knowledge that everyone is wittier, smarter, handsomer, thinner, and richer the more they knock back. Plus, we make most of our money off booze.

The Valentine's Day menu tends to be an expensive proposition.

So if you’re not enjoying your date, feel free to salvage the night by taking some time during the meal to call someone more interesting.

Propose to your date.

Warn us first, and we’ll seat you in the center of the room with a klieg light trained on you. This way, everyone can watch you pop the question. Should she turn you down, laugh and say, “Just kidding!” Then excuse yourself and leave through the back door.

Content continues below ad

Order a bottle of wine if you are both going to have more than one glass.

Bottles are always a better value. Box wine is even cheaper. And moonshine served in one of those plastic Chinese soup take out containers is cheaper still. Plus, there may be a lingering wanton aftertaste.

If the thought of buying a bottle of wine is daunting, go online for recommendations.

Good questions to look up: “What wine goes best with chicken tacos?” and “If she spills wine on me, do I get to spill wine on her?”

Nothing says love quite like leaving a large tip for your waiter.


Content continues below ad

Instead of going out to a four-star restaurant and dining on lobster thermidor by candlelight, consider buying your date a coffee mug with a heart on it.

Coffee mugs are one of those things you can never have enough of.

Become more interesting every week!

Get our Read Up newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you this newsletter. For more information please read our privacy policy.

Funny Jokes
Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane. Dennis Miller
Funny Jokes
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.” Kevin Nealon
Funny Jokes
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram @kristencarney
Funny Jokes
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water. Comedian Greg Davies
Funny Jokes
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous. @sixthformpoet
Funny Jokes
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral. From
Funny Jokes
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch
Funny Jokes
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol @yoyoha (Josh Hara)
Funny Jokes
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld
Funny Jokes
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A: A mechanic.