It’s nuptial season, and humorist Dave Barry is a reluctant expert on the subject. The author of Insane City, a novel about a wedding that goes awry, Barry shared with us all he knows about the big day.
On the perfect wedding
“The perfect wedding is one that I have nothing to do with financially. And if I don’t know the groom or bride that would be ideal. In fact, had I not even been invited but just wandered in and there happened to be a seat at a table with interesting people, that would be an even more perfect wedding for me. Also, even though I wasn’t invited and I don’t know anyone there, I have complete control of the music. And microphone, so there is no DJ shouting at the guests telling them to do something.”
Women control weddings
“If weddings weren’t hijacked by women then there would be something for men to enjoy. There would be ways to watch sports at the wedding. There’d be skee-ball, something that says, “This is fun! We’re having fun here.” I admit that men run the world and we’re doing a horrible job of it, but I’m just saying that all major holidays and occasions have been hijacked by women.”
In fact, women control all the holidays
“Women hijack all the holidays. They own Valentines Day. There would be no Valentine’s Day if it were up to men. Clearly they own Mother’s day. But they also invented Father’s Day, which is just Mother’s Day again. What do you do, you get dressed up and go out for a meal somewhere. And you exchange cards. Men don’t want to really do that. If you really had a father’s day it would be, You go out and I’ll stay home and watch television.”
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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
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A: A mechanic.