Funny Christmas Quotes

These witty words will have you laughing all the way through the holiday season.

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Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?

Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? Stephen Shugerman/Getty Images
You know, the birth of Santa. —Bart Simpson

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season,

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the holiday season, Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images
that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. —Dave Barry&nbsp

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for ChristmasGary M. Prior/ALLSPORT
with a note on it saying "toys not included." —Bernard Manning

What I don't like about office Christmas parties

What I don't like about office Christmas parties Dan Callister/Online USA
is looking for a job the next day. —Phyllis Diller

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Nothing says holidays

Nothing says holidaysKevin Winter/Getty Images
like a cheese log. —Ellen DeGeneres

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six.

I stopped believing in Santa Clause when I was six. Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. —Shirley Temple

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

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Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.