31 Times Our Dads Were the Funniest People on Earth

Readers shared their all-time favorite dad stories and it got real corny, real fast.

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Funny dad: The world's most tireless dad

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On a brutally hot day I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. “Who’s winning?” I shouted. “I am,” said one kid. “Me,” said another. “No, me,” yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, “Their mother is.” —Tom Lappas

Funny dad: The world's most sentimental dad

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The family was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone's attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age of three weeks. The look on his face told all. "There's my prize possession," my father said. Touched, I smiled at him as he continued, "I wonder whatever happened to that golf shirt?" —Jeanne Graves

Funny dad: The world's most sympathetic dad

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Four students walked in halfway though the American history test my father was giving at the community college. “Sorry,” they said, “We had a flat tire.” An understanding man, dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an “A” for the exam. They agreed. So dad handed each one a piece of paper, placed the in four separate corners and said, “Write down which tire was flat.” —Kurt Smith

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Funny dad: The world's most level-headed dad

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My uncle was driving to a hockey game with his two sons when their car hit a low-flying duck. After absorbing the shock of what just happened, Uncle Mike broke the silence with, “Well, there’s a bird that didn’t live up to his name.” —Jason Bulbuk

Funny dad: The world's most perfectionist dad

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In the frozen-foods department of our local grocery store, I saw a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, then whispered conspiratorially to his son, “You know, if we really mess this up, we’ll never have to do it again.” —Janet Campbell

Funny dad: The world's most smooth-talking dad

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After an explosive argument with our mother, my little brother pasted a sign reading “I hate Mom” on the door to his room, and slammed it shut. My dad, a school psychologist, came home to this standoff. “I’ll take care of it,” he said, then went into my brother’s room. Minutes later, Dad came out. “He doesn’t hate you anymore,” he reassured. Sure enough, my brother had crossed out “Mom” on his sign. It now read “I hate Dad.” —Michele Pecoraro

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Funny dad: The world's most heroic dad

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Our family sheltered in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone from the car, in case the lines went dead. He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on. “Hi,” a voice said. “This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house.” —Laure Jorges

Funny dad: The world's most thorough dad

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When my dad ran out of gas, he called mom to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a can, and returned to his car. After a few minutes, he got into her car again. “We need to go back to the gas station,” he said. “One gallon wasn’t enough?” mom asked. “It would have been if I’d put it in the right car.” —Kent T. Critchlow

Funny dad: The world's most samurai dad

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The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as  before but with this appended to his note: “Nice swords.” —Eleonore Bode-Lemming

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Funny dad: The world's most practical dad

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Dad is old-school: he keeps all his money in the underwear drawer. One day I bought him a personal safe in the shape of a paint can with a false bottom, so he could keep his money in the workshop instead. Later I asked Mom if he was using it. “Oh yes—he put his money in it the same day,” she said. “No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!” I gloated. “they won’t have to,” mom replied. “He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer.” —Judee Mulvey

Funny dad: The world's toughest dad

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I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong. “I’m going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy,” I told her. “Oh,” she said. “Say hi to Mom.” —Bart Key

Funny dad: The world's most amenable dad

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After my second year in med school, I moved back home. One night I was up late studying for my clinical exam. Because my father woke me every morning at seven, I put a note on my door: “DO NOT DISTURB. Studying until 3 a.m.” Dad, a doctor himself, showed no sympathy. He left a note attached to mine: “The hotel management hopes you’re enjoying your stay. We’d like to remind you that checkout was at noon—approximately six years ago.” —Varghese Abraham

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Funny dad: The world's most understanding dad

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“Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?” my father, a judge, asked the prospective jurors. A nervous young man stood up. “I’d like to be dismissed,” he said. “My wife is about to conceive.” Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, “I believe, sir, you mean ‘deliver.’ But either way, I agree. You should be there.” The man was dismissed. —Beth Duncan

Funny dad: The world's best rebound dad

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Our 17-year-old daughter was going by bus to a soccer tournament in Delaware and she’d packed more baggage than Noah. As I was hauling it out of the trunk I remarked, “Oh, Erica, we forgot the kitchen sink!” Another father instantly chimed in: “It’s okay. Ashley has one—they can share.” —Andrew W. Dencs

Funny dad: The world's most technical dad

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Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant, and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. —Charlotte G. Alexander

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Funny dad: The world's proudest dad

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On my parents’ 50th anniversary, I remarked to my father that he and Mom never seemed to fight. “We battled,” he said, “but it never amounted to much. After a while one of us always realized that I was wrong.” —Gary Markman

Funny dad The world's most capable dad

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My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. —Joan Flood

Funny dad: The world's most giving dad

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My mom had always wanted to learn to play the piano, so Dad bought her one for her birthday. A few weeks later, I called and asked how she was doing. “We returned the piano,” said Dad. “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet. I asked why. “Because,” he explained, “with a clarinet, she can’t sing along.” —Don Foster

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Funny dad: The world's most thankful dad

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One year my dad was in and out of the hospital. Each time, his tireless neighbors stepped in—mowing the lawn, shoveling the driveway, taking Mom to the hospital, picking up prescriptions. After Dad recovered, mom wanted to thank the neighbors by doing something they’d really appreciate. Dad suggested, “Tell them we’re moving.” —Mark Reilly

Funny dad: The world's most attentive dad

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One night about 10 p.m. I answered the phone and heard, “Dad, we want to stay out late. Is that okay?” “Sure,” I answered, “as long as you called.” When I hung up, my wife asked who was on the phone. “One of the boys,” I replied. “I gave them permission to stay out late.” “Not our boys,” she said. “They’re both downstairs in the basement.” —Lawrence M. Weisberg

Funny dad: The world's best planning dad

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Both of my parents work and lead hectic lives. So my father was bound to forget their wedding anniversary. Remembering at the last minute, he sped to the stationary store and breathlessly asked the clerk, “Where are the anniversary cards?” To his surprise he heard my mother call out, “Over here, Bill.” —Elizabeth Ransom

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Funny dad: The world's handiest dad

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Dad’s satellite dish died. When I walked into his living room, I found him talking on the phone with tech support, the TV set pulled away from the wall and a mass of tangled wires spilling out in front of him. He looked completely overwhelmed. “Tell you what I’m going to do,” Dad said to the technician, “I’m going to hang up now, go to college for a couple years, then call you back.” —Dana Marisca

Funny dad: The world's most careful dad

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Once my dad, a gravedigger, was told to prepare for a funeral. But on the day of the service, he accidentally dug up the wrong plot. Luckily for him, the deceased’s daughter was very understanding. “Poor Dad,” she lamented, “He always complained he could never find a parking space.” —Emily Willmot

Funny dad: The world's most romantic dad

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Shortly before our 25th anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them wearing only a negligee. As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband. When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?!” —Sue Ater

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Funny dad: The world's most supportive dad

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On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked. “Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” —Kirsten Wiley

Funny dad: The world's most clever dad

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None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. —Homer Adams

Funny dad: The world's most resilient dad

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My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head. He gently touched the thinning spot of hair and asked in a concerned voice, “Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?” After a pause, I heard my husband’s murmured reply: “Not physically.” —Laurie Gerhardstein

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Funny dad: The world's safest dad

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No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet. The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, kicked her right in the chin. —Zachary Gibbs

Funny dad: The world's most squirrel-savvy dad

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When a squirrel slipped into my house, I panicked and called my father. “How do you get a squirrel out of the basement?” I shrieked. Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in. —Corinne Stevens

Funny dad: The world's most accepting dad

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The day I knew my in-laws had finally accepted me:  As we pulled into their driveway, my father-in-law was on the phone. "Oh, I have to run," he told the person on the other end. "My daughter-in-law and her husband just arrived." —Kathy Dierker

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Funny dad: The world's happiest dad

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I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.” —Sheila Lee


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