“Oh, hey, Instagram! Thanks for coming to my birthday party, buddy!”
“Hey! Instamatic! My main hang! Haha, get it? Because people had to hang you around their necks?? So retro—I LOVE IT! Anything new developing with you? How old are you today, Matty—100? 120?”
“Eesh. Well, you know what they say: a self-contained film cartridge adds 10 years!”
“Did you even know it was my birthday?”
“Ah, ya got me, man! Etsy just told me there’d be cake here. You know I can’t resist an extreme close-up of some half-eaten red velvet. Nice balloons, BTW! They’d look great with a Hefe filter. Lemme just fix that up for you…”
“No, I’m good, thanks.”
“Too late! Just posted it. 150 likes.”
“Uh, you misspelled ‘balloons’ in your caption.”
“Whatevs! That’s the beauty of social media. A billion roving photojournalists, cataloging the human experience through gratuitous typos and MY innovative user interface, completely free of charge or consequence. How much did you cost back in the day?”
“$15.95 in 1963. Though, I suppose by today’s standards, that’s about $120.”
“$120?!? Hold your flash, Pops! I’m FREE, Holmes. I cost zero dollars, and Facebook just cut me a check for a solid BILLION.”
“I…I took a picture of a vagrant holding some change, once.”
“Mhm. That’s what I thought. Look, I know it’s your b-day and all, but maybe it’s time for you to retire, man. I mean, I’m sure you’re still beloved by affluent hipsters (hash-tag sarcasm), but what’ve you really got that I don’t?”
“Me? I was one of the first commercial handheld cameras with a self-contained flash.”
“Cool story bro. I come swoll with 18 unique filters, including black-and-white, infrafed, plus the hidden color spectrum they don’t even tell you about unless you’ve cracked 50K Twitter followers!”
“Well, I introduced a unique Kodapack 126 cartridge that let people change their film in daylight without overexposing their photos or schlepping to a camera store. I revolutionized amateur photography back in the day.”
“Sorry? While you were telling that boring story I took a photo of a corgi eating spaghetti, slapped on an old-timey Lord Kelvin filter, got 450,000 likes, and sold 40 copies of the print on Facebook. But I’m over it now. Wanna see a photo of a baby dressed like a panda?”
“Or, check it—abnormal sandwich!”
“INSTAGRAM! Don’t you ever wonder if maybe the masses weren’t meant to wield your instantaneous power of recall?”
“…Low blow, dude. How do you figure?”
“Do you think that by allowing people to record and share every waking moment of their lives with the tap of a finger, the beauty of life’s spontaneity is cheapened? That the power of thoughtful, emotional photography is muted by an endless stream of cute cat pics and top-down shots of Chinese food? The constant need and ability to SHARE and to CONSUME experience prevents us from truly, meaningfully EXPERIENCING it?”
“…Whoa…That’s mad deep.”
“No. Not that. Justin Bieber with a monkey!”
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.