1. Selective hearing
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) March 14, 2017
2. Who needs sleep?
Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.
— Ash (@adult_mom) March 4, 2017
3. The morning grind
Before I had kids, I didn't know I could ruin someone's day by saying, "Get dressed, please."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2017
4. Always room for chips
9yo: I feel sick.
Me: Do you think you're going to throw up?
9: Yes. Can I have some chips?
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 11, 2017
5. The real playtime
Every game my kids play has the same two rules:
1) Make as much noise as humanly possible.
2) Make sure someone cries at the end.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2017
6. No rest for the weary
From what I can gather, motherhood is just repeatedly getting up after having just sat down two seconds ago.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) February 21, 2017
Don’t miss these hilarious pieces of parenting advice for dads from comedians who’ve been there.
7. Invasion of privacy
The signal I apparently send my kids when I try to use the bathroom alone. pic.twitter.com/GTNu3QiDwR
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 14, 2017
8. “What was I saying?”
I'm just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 2, 2017
9. The best attention-grabber
Clean your rooms! -silence
Let the dog out! -silence
Open a YouTube video – 2,000 children appear behind you screaming they wanna see.
— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017
10. Loss of appetite
5y.o: "I'm starving! Can I have a snack?"
Me: "Dinner's almost ready."
5: "What's dinner?"
5: "Ew! I'm not hungry."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017
11. Experiment gone wrong
The most horrifying thing I've ever heard:
"MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 14, 2017
12. Clean eating
My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 19, 2016
13. Swear on my mother’s grave
*Engraved On My Headstone*
She died doing what she loved, turning socks right side out while counting the minutes until bedtime.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 8, 2017
5 year olds say the cutest things like “I love you” and “hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.”
— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017
15. Important parenting lessons
My 6yo's assignment was to draw a challenge she thinks she can overcome. So she drew herself teaching me how to use the tv remote. pic.twitter.com/8JcB2K0e7j
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 19, 2017
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16. Blood, sweat, and tears
Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2017
17. Guess who?
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016
18. Déjà vu
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
19. Pain is beauty
My 2-year-old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair
I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2017
20. Scrounging for scraps
I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids' leftover fries.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 11, 2017
21. Big answers for big questions
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
22. Above the trends
"Oh my god, why are you so obsessed with clothes?!"
– My 6yo, when I asked him to hurry up and get dressed for school
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 13, 2017
23. A mother’s true love
6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 4, 2017
24. Try again (and again and again)
Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 14, 2017
25. Tag is a contact sport
When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they're basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 9, 2017
26. Play pretend
Me: Go clean your room.
Translation: Go away for a few minutes. We both know you're not going to really clean anything in there.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 9, 2017
27. Sleepless nights
Me: Like, I couldn't be more exhausted.
Parenthood: Hang on a day or so there. You can be. *Winks*
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 8, 2017