As I read the news every day, I often find myself muttering, “You can’t make this stuff up.” And perhaps no one knows that better than the creator of my new favorite Tumblr, Onion-Like Headlines in Real Life. “Onion-like” refers, of course, to that bastion of made-up news, The Onion (sample fake headline: “I Wish My Parents Would Stop Emailing Naked Pictures of Me To All Their Friends” by Aiden Thomas, baby).
Onion-Like Headlines in Real Life lists gems like, “Angry Nepali Man Bites Cobra To Death In Revenge Attack,” and “Sun Is Too Round, Say Scientists,” and it links to the articles so that you, too, can read up on the news around the world—and mutter along with me how the facts are often stranger than fiction.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.