Hilarious Jokes from the Guys Who Make America Laugh

Our expert panel of eight comedy legends met over pickles and pastrami to select the ten most hilarious jokes in America. Below is their judgment. Let us know if you think these jokes are funny (or just too corny) in the comments.

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Hilarious Joke #1

Hilarious Joke #1Brandon Specktor
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Submitted by Debby Carter

Hilarious Joke #2

Hilarious Joke #2Brandon Specktor
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

Submitted by L. B. Weinstein

Hilarious Joke #3

Hilarious Joke #3Brandon Specktor
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Hilarious Joke #4

Hilarious Joke #4Brandon Specktor
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

Submitted by Jeremy Hone

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Hilarious Joke #5

Hilarious Joke #5Brandon Specktor
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

Submitted by Gerald Doka

Hilarious Joke #6

Hilarious Joke #6Brandon Specktor
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Submitted by Harry Nelson

Hilarious Joke #7

Hilarious Joke #7Brandon Specktor
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Submitted by Hank Chawansky

Hilarious Joke #8

Hilarious Joke #8Brandon Specktor
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Submitted by Alan Lynch

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Hilarious Joke #9

Hilarious Joke #9Brandon Specktor
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

Submitted by Nancy Gomes

Hilarious Joke #10

Hilarious Joke #10Brandon Specktor
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Submitted by Braeden Silvermist

Our Judges

Our Judges
Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.

Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal.

Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.

Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.

Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.

Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.

John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.

Matty Simmons:
Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.

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