Hilarious Joke #1
A turtle is crossing the road when heâs mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, âI donât know. It all happened so fast.â
Submitted by Debby Carter
Hilarious Joke #2
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. âMy life is a mess,â he says. âMy owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and Iâm as jittery as a cat.â
âWhy donât you go see a psychiatrist?â suggests the collie.
âI canât,â says the poodle. âIâm not allowed on the couch.â
Submitted by L. B. Weinstein
Hilarious Joke #3
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see whoâs best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: âWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.â
âI found a bear by the stream,â says the minister, âand preached Godâs holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.â
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. âLooking back,â he says, âmaybe I shouldnât have started with the circumcision.â
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
Hilarious Joke #4
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When itâs over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. âWhatâs going on?â he asks a cemetery worker.
âItâs Beethoven,â says the worker. âHeâs decomposing.â
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
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Hilarious Joke #5
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Heâs not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
âI think my friend is dead!â he yells. âWhat can I do?â
The operator says, âCalm down. First, letâs make sure heâs dead.â
Thereâs a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, âOkay, now what?â
Submitted by Gerald Doka
Hilarious Joke #6
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads âTalking Dog for Sale.â Intrigued, he walks in.
âSo what have you done with your life?â he asks the dog.
âIâve led a very full life,â says the dog. âI lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.â
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dogâs owner, âWhy on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?â
The owner says, âBecause heâs a liar! He never did any of that!â
Submitted by Harry Nelson
Hilarious Joke #7
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. âWill I die?â she asks. God says, âNo. You have 30 more years to live.â With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since sheâs in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day sheâs discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. âYou said I had 30 more years to live,â she complains. âThatâs true,â says God. âSo what happened?â she asks. God shrugs. âI didnât recognize you.â
Submitted by Hank Chawansky
Hilarious Joke #8
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and itâs one monkâs first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, âFood bad.â
Ten years later, he says, âBed hard.â
Itâs the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, âI quit.â
âIâm not surprised,â the head monk says. âYouâve been complaining ever since you got here.â
Submitted by Alan Lynch
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Hilarious Joke #9
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Heâs telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. âWhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?â she demands. âWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?â Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. âYou keep out of this!â she yells. âIâm talking to that little jerk on your knee!â
Submitted by Nancy Gomes
Hilarious Joke #10
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, âHow long have you been wearing that bra?â The friend replies, âEver since my wife found it in the glove compartment.â
Submitted by Braeden Silvermist
Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.
Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Letâs Make a Deal.
Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.
Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.
Hal Kanter: Bob Hopeâs chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.
Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martinâs Laugh-In.
John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.
Matty Simmons: Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.