Ho, Ho, Ha: Funny Christmas Quotes

These jolly holiday jokes and Christmas quotes will bring cheer even to the grumpiest Scrooge.

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Dave Barry with a Christmas Quote

Dave Barry with a Christmas Quote
Q: How do you define the true meaning of Christmas?

Samantha Bee with a Christmas Quote

Samantha Bee with a Christmas Quote
Q: What can Christmas tell us about the U.S. Constitution?

Victor Borge with a Christmas Quote

Victor Borge with a Christmas Quote
Q: What can Santa Claus teach us about manners?

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...and Richard Lewis with a Hanukkah Quote

...and Richard Lewis with a Hanukkah Quote
Q: What can we learn about others this holiday season?

Unknown with a Christmas Quote

Unknown with a Christmas Quote
Q: Why do so many people worry about gaining weight over the holidays?

Richard D. Lamm with a Christmas Quote

Richard D. Lamm with a Christmas Quote
Q: What does the holiday season tell us about current events?

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Andy Rooney with a Christmas Quote

Andy Rooney with a Christmas Quote
Q: When is being messy a good thing?

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Funny Jokes

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

Funny Jokes

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

Funny Jokes

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

Funny Jokes

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

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