Walt Disney Pictures aims to release one new Star Wars film every summer for at least six years, beginning with Episode VII in 2015. This is good news. JJ Abrams, creator of the TV show Lost and rebooter of the current Star Trek film franchise, has agreed to direct the upcoming Star Wars sequel. But with Disney proposing a film-a-year rollout, maybe they can “force” some of our favorite filmmakers to get in on the action.
1. Star Wars: Boba Unmasked
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Plot: His father was murdered by Jedi. He was humiliated and left for dead in the deepest, darkest hole on Tatooine. Now he’s back—and Boba Fett, the deadliest bounty hunter in the galaxy, won’t rest until Luke Skywalker and Han Solo get what they deserve. Samuel L. Jackson returns to the Star Wars saga in the role he was born to play: the mean Mandalorian m****r f****r, Boba Unmasked.
2. Star Wars: Return of the Graduate (to Her Childhood Bedroom)
Directed by: Lena Dunham
Plot: Hannah Solo is a half-Jedi who just wants to feel it all. Born to Han and Leia twentysomething years after the fall of the Galactic Empire, Hannah and her listless peers cruise the skyways of Coruscant, each waging a personal war to find love…and purpose. (Featuring Jemima Kirke as Jemima Binks.)
3. Star Wars: A Schlub’s Awakening
Directed by: Woody Allen
In his long-anticipated follow-up to the sci-fi spoof Sleeper, Woody Allen embodies a neurotic Jedi robe tailor who finds himself frozen in carbonite after being glib with the wrong Sith general. He awakens 200 years later, after the fall of the Empire, where he must learn to adjust to an increasingly Jedi-free world. Will the Force—and quirky cantina girl Scarlett Johansson—be with him? Find out June 2017.
Next: Michael Moore, Martin Scorsese, and Judd Apatow visit the galaxy far, far, away
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.