When I owned a dog, I was convinced that he and I could communicate. I thought that if I talked to him in a slow and reasonable manner, he would somehow suss out what I was trying to say, which was usually along the lines of “Please don’t pee on the carpet.”
It turns out that my dog Phineas was not fluent in English. It wasn’t even a second language. In fact, he probably understood cat, squirrel, and pigeon better than he did English. Or, just as likely, he grasped everything I was saying and was simply ignoring me. Why, he no doubt reasoned, should he put on his booties to go outside when there was a perfectly good rug inside on which to relieve himself?
Years of frustration might be the reason I love this tape from the BBC: Walk on the Wild Side. BBC humorists have put words to wildlife videos with hysterical results—check it out.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.