Key and Peele: What If Teachers Were Treated Just Like Pro Athletes?

Imagine a world in which educators are as respected and revered as professional athletes? Sketch comics Key and Peele did.

april 2016 teachers baseball cardsAli Blumenthal for Reader's Digest

(Key): Hello, and welcome to Teaching Center. I’m Boyd Maxwell, with the top stories from the exciting world of teaching.

(Peele): And I’m Perry Schmidt.

Schmidt: Well, now we know. The long-awaited announcement by star English teacher Ruby Ruhf has sent teaching fans across the country into a frenzy.

Ruhf: I’ve enjoyed my time in Ohio very much, but I’m pleased to announce that I’m taking my talents back to New York City. Thank you very much.

Schmidt: Apparently PS 431 has made Ruby an offer she couldn’t refuse: $80 million guaranteed over six years, with another $40 million in incentives based on test scores. This salary puts her right up there with Rockridge Elementary’s Kati Hope and William Wu out of …

Maxwell: Colgate Magnet! Now let’s take a look at yesterday’s Teacher Draft from Radio City Music Hall, where Central Rapids High, recipient of the worst test scores last semester, made the first pick, which was no surprise to anyone.

Announcer: With the first pick, Central Rapids High takes calculus teacher Mike Yoast from Tulsa Teachers’ College!

Schmidt: And just like that, you’re a millionaire. Mike Yoast is an unbelievable story, his father living from paycheck to paycheck as a humble professional football player; the kid was a natural math-lete.

Maxwell: You know he’s going to buy his mom a house. There’s no way around that. You owe your mom.

Schmidt: Now it’s time for the Highlight of the Day.

Maxwell: Star history teacher Ashley Ferguson has been running up those test scores over at Vince Corvo High. Woo!

Ferguson: Confederate forces fired first. Can anyone tell me where this battle took place?

Schmidt: Now, look at this: She looks left, then right. She looks past the students with their arms up in the air and spots Max near the back. She sees that even though his hand isn’t up, he’s engaged.

Ferguson: Max?

Max: It was Fort Sumter?

Ferguson: That’s right.

Maxwell: Oh, come on; see what she did there? She’s bringing an introvert into the discussion, y’all. That’s a teacher-of-the-year play, right there.

Schmidt: That’s right, boy. You know the confidence gained by Max by answering that question correctly will enhance his performance the rest of the year.

Maxwell: No doubt.

Coming up after the break: Mayfield Prep trades French teacher Janeane Lowe to Skyline High for a head librarian and two lunch ladies to be named later.

ADAPTED FROM KEY & PEELE. COMEDY CENTRAL’S KEY & PEELE USED WITH PERMISSION BY COMEDY CENTRAL. COPYRIGHT© 2015 VIACOM MEDIA NETWORKS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COMEDY CENTRAL, ALL RELATED TITLES, CHARACTERS, AND LOGOS ARE TRADEMARKS OWNED BY VIACOM MEDIA NETWORKS, A DIVISION OF VIACOM INTERNATIONAL, INC.

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