Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl once explained his loss to fellow countryman Musumba Bwayla by insisting, “He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight.” Hmm. Did anyone believe him? We didn’t. So we were inspired to collect other whoppers, arranged by theme into four scripts for those times when honesty may not be the best policy. Will anyone believe them? Ask Mr. Ndefwayl how that went.
For Bogus Breakups…
A woman told Cosmopolitan, “I flew across the country to see my ex-boyfriend, and he told me that he couldn’t see me because all of his clothes were dirty.” Nice. Here are other lines (in bold) we’ve heard, arranged as a speech from a woman to her soon-to-be ex.
“I just don’t have time for a relationship right now.” You see, “I’ve got to focus on finding out the truth about Benghazi.” Plus, “I have a high-maintenance bird” that demands a lot of my attention, which makes my other pet jealous, so now “I need to spend more time with my dog.” Besides, what month is this, June? Yeah, “I have to attend several birthday parties in July and August, so I won’t be around to spend any time with you.” I know we discussed going paragliding in July, but “if I were ever permanently injured in an accident, I don’t think you’d stay with me, so I am leaving you now before that happens.” …You saw right through that one, didn’t you? “You’re so smart, you make me feel stupid.” OK, here’s the deal: “I just can’t be with someone who liked Sharknado.”
Sources: lemondrop.com, cafemom.com
For Rent Rants…
Let’s face it: Paying rent is a hassle. “It’s your fault,” a tenant scolded one landlord when the tenant’s check bounced. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day?” Here, enjoy a tirade compiled from real excuses from renters.
Let me get this straight, “you’re only talking to me because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?” Yes, I know I’m late with the rent. “We knew we wouldn’t be able to pay next month’s rent, so we decided to not pay this month’s rent either.” Why? I’ll tell you why: “I’m getting really tired of paying this rent every damn month!” “We’ll pay you when we can. We’re having a big party for my daughter’s sweet 16 with her friends and had to buy a lot of beer.” So just bear with me, OK? I’m a little low this month because “my dealer raised his prices again. You know how it goes.” Look, I know I owe you money, but don’t worry, it won’t be long before I pay you. “We’re getting a refund on my wife’s tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we’re getting back most of the bucks!” Oh, and one more thing: “I won’t be paying the rent for July. I can’t give you any details, but we are going into the witness protection program.”
Source: The Landlord Protection Agency
Next: “I’m not drunk … hic … the horse is!”
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.