Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

laughterpedia conan o'brien
Courtesy of Matt Hoyle

A: American (In)Security

The U.S. government is monitoring the phone calls and e-mails of millions of Americans. What can you do about it? Andy Borowitz suggests inserting these phrases into your conversations:

  • I think the NSA is awesome.
  • I just reread Nineteen Eighty-Four—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
  • I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.


B: Bieber, Jestin’

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam in April, Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” imagined what Beibs might have said about other famous peeps, like Madame Marie Curie: “Gotta give it up. Could not be doing what I’m doing if baby girl hadn’t discovered radios.” He could also have shown some lovin’ to Mother Teresa: “Much respect to Theresa and all the mothers out there. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be the down-to-earth person I am today.”


C: Citizen, Wannabe

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to 
citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?”
—Jimmy Fallon


D: Dreams, Dashed

In his new book, The Stench of Honolulu, Jack Handey lists some failed aspirations:

  • Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
  • For a while I wanted to become a naturalist, until I found out it wasn’t 
what I thought. They wear clothes.


E: Existential Krisis

The Twitter account @KimKierkegaard melds quotes from Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard and his American counterpart, Kim Kardashian:

  • I never thought I would ever say this … I’m wearing flats today. I have lost my footing temporarily, but I hope I have not lost myself.
  • To win a crowd is not art; for that, only untruth, nonsense, and some knowledge of human passions are needed. Like me on Facebook to learn more!


F: Face(tious)book

On the popular social-networking site, sincerity is often a casualty.

• Post: Can’t wknds be longer?

Response: Yes, weekends.

• Post: One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.

Response: I think it’s harder to put toothpaste back into its container.



G: George, the Prince Formally Known As

New rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry—naked and unable to stand.

—Bill Maher


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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


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My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
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“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

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My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

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Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.