A: American (In)Security
The U.S. government is monitoring the phone calls and e-mails of millions of Americans. What can you do about it? Andy Borowitz suggests inserting these phrases into your conversations:
- I think the NSA is awesome.
- I just reread Nineteen Eighty-Four—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
- I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.
B: Bieber, Jestin’
While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam in April, Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Funnyordie.com imagined what Beibs might have said about other famous peeps, like Madame Marie Curie: “Gotta give it up. Could not be doing what I’m doing if baby girl hadn’t discovered radios.” He could also have shown some lovin’ to Mother Teresa: “Much respect to Theresa and all the mothers out there. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be the down-to-earth person I am today.”
C: Citizen, Wannabe
Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to
citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?”
D: Dreams, Dashed
In his new book, The Stench of Honolulu, Jack Handey lists some failed aspirations:
- Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
- For a while I wanted to become a naturalist, until I found out it wasn’t what I thought. They wear clothes.
E: Existential Krisis
The Twitter account @KimKierkegaard melds quotes from Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard and his American counterpart, Kim Kardashian:
- I never thought I would ever say this … I’m wearing flats today. I have lost my footing temporarily, but I hope I have not lost myself.
- To win a crowd is not art; for that, only untruth, nonsense, and some knowledge of human passions are needed. Like me on Facebook to learn more!
On the popular social-networking site, sincerity is often a casualty.
• Post: Can’t wknds be longer?
Response: Yes, weekends.
• Post: One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.
Response: I think it’s harder to put toothpaste back into its container.
G: George, the Prince Formally Known As
New rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry—naked and unable to stand.
Next: Funny Headlines and more »
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.