Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

laughterpedia conan o'brien
Courtesy of Matt Hoyle

A: American (In)Security

The U.S. government is monitoring the phone calls and e-mails of millions of Americans. What can you do about it? Andy Borowitz suggests inserting these phrases into your conversations:

  • I think the NSA is awesome.
  • I just reread Nineteen Eighty-Four—it actually has a lot of good ideas in it!
  • I’m pretty sure my neighbor is cheating on his taxes.

 

B: Bieber, Jestin’

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam in April, Justin Bieber wrote in the guest book, “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Funnyordie.com imagined what Beibs might have said about other famous peeps, like Madame Marie Curie: “Gotta give it up. Could not be doing what I’m doing if baby girl hadn’t discovered radios.” He could also have shown some lovin’ to Mother Teresa: “Much respect to Theresa and all the mothers out there. Without my mom, I wouldn’t be the down-to-earth person I am today.”

 

C: Citizen, Wannabe

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to 
citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, “Who do you think’s going to build that path?”
—Jimmy Fallon

 

D: Dreams, Dashed

In his new book, The Stench of Honolulu, Jack Handey lists some failed aspirations:

  • Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it.
  • For a while I wanted to become a naturalist, until I found out it wasn’t 
what I thought. They wear clothes.

 

E: Existential Krisis

The Twitter account @KimKierkegaard melds quotes from Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard and his American counterpart, Kim Kardashian:

  • I never thought I would ever say this … I’m wearing flats today. I have lost my footing temporarily, but I hope I have not lost myself.
  • To win a crowd is not art; for that, only untruth, nonsense, and some knowledge of human passions are needed. Like me on Facebook to learn more!

 

F: Face(tious)book

On the popular social-networking site, sincerity is often a casualty.

• Post: Can’t wknds be longer?

Response: Yes, weekends.

• Post: One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do is to stop loving someone because they’ve stopped loving you.

Response: I think it’s harder to put toothpaste back into its container.

—From huffingtonpost.com

 

G: George, the Prince Formally Known As

New rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He’s more like Uncle Harry—naked and unable to stand.

—Bill Maher

 

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4 thoughts on “Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

  1. Reader’s Digest used to have the best jokes of all. For a number of years now, none of them are funny.

  2. When I was in second grade, I pulled Alex Clark’s hair a lot. Alex Clark was a girl in my church. Greyson Clark has an older sister, Alex Clark. Sylvester Toe Jr. has an older sister, Cassie Toe. Xiomara Wolfmatian has green eyes. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish has brown eyes. Zion Zebra also has brown eyes. Wetzel Wolf also has brown eyes. Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish should be a Child Star (2010’s). Zion Zebra should also be a Child Star (2010’s). Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Casey Murray has an older sister, Cara, and a younger brother, Daniel.

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

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