H: Headlines, Fake
Confused FBI Agents Continue Search for Harlem Sheikh
Typo Leads to Creation of $179M Gorilla Warfare Program
From the Onion:
Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How to Mingle
Scientists Trace Heat Wave to Massive Star at Center of Solar System
Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybob-bop-bop Jailed for Drugs
—Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam
—Los Angeles Times
Somalia Gets a Tourist; Mogadishu Officials Are Baffled
I: Inverse Proportions
The BBC’s March obituary of Richard Griffiths led with the actor’s role in the Harry Potter films. Infuriated fans of his other movies created the hashtag #BBCobituaries to list ways deaths of other celebrities might have been reported:
- Bicycle shop owners Orville and Wilbur Wright have passed away.
- Bedtime for Bonzo costar, actor Ronald Reagan, dies.
- Ex–U.S. Marine Corporal E. Presley dies.
- Marilyn, ex-wife of Arthur Miller, dies.
Reddit asked readers to post the most intellectual joke they know. Get ready to nod knowingly.
- A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I’d wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
- Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
We’re hoping that Caribbean-based LIAT Airlines at least sent this former customer a free-drink voucher for his next flight … if there is one.
May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers [to take] such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean. Most other airlines I have traveled on would simply wish to take me from points A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!
I also enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I’ve been hugged by most of the Caribbean already.
As for our arrival, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I’m glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived in Tortola last night—and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.
So thank you, LIAT. I now understand why you are “The Caribbean Airline.”
P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.
—Source: Arthur Hicks
L: Logic, Tortured
What good is it to save the planet if humanity suffers?
—ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson on why we should not concern ourselves with cutting carbon emissions
Next: Match the celebrities to their smells! »
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.