Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

kristen schaal
Courtesy of Matt Hoyle

H: Headlines, Fake


Confused FBI Agents Continue Search for Harlem Sheikh

Typo Leads to Creation of $179M Gorilla Warfare Program


From the Onion:

Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How to Mingle

Scientists Trace Heat Wave to Massive Star at Center of Solar System


Headlines, Real

Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybob-bop-bop Jailed for Drugs

—Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam

—Los Angeles Times

Somalia Gets a Tourist; Mogadishu Officials Are Baffled



I: Inverse Proportions

The BBC’s March obituary of Richard Griffiths led with the actor’s role in the Harry Potter films. Infuriated fans of his other movies created the hashtag #BBCobituaries to list ways deaths of other celebrities might have been reported:

  • Bicycle shop owners Orville and Wilbur Wright have passed away.
  • Bedtime for Bonzo costar, actor Ronald Reagan, dies.
  • Ex–U.S. Marine Corporal E. Presley dies.
  • Marilyn, ex-wife of Arthur Miller, dies.


J: Japes

Reddit asked readers to post the most intellectual joke they know. Get ready to nod knowingly.

  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I’d wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence 
fetishist? He got off on a technicality.


K: Kvetch

We’re hoping that Caribbean-based LIAT Airlines at least sent this 
former customer a free-drink voucher for his next flight … if there 
is one.

Dear LIAT,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers [to take] such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean. Most other airlines I have traveled on would simply wish to take me from points A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop 
at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I also enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I’ve been hugged by most of the Caribbean already.

As for our arrival, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I’m glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived in Tortola last night—and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now understand why you are “The Caribbean Airline.”

P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.

—Source: Arthur Hicks

L: Logic, Tortured

What good is it to save the planet if humanity suffers?

—ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson on why we should not concern ourselves with cutting carbon emissions


Next: Match the celebrities to their smells! »

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


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Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.


Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


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“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.