Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013 | Reader's Digest

Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

By Andy Simmons
Also published in Reader's Digest Magazine December 2013

kristen schaalCourtesy of Matt Hoyle

H: Headlines, Fake

From duffelblog.com:

Confused FBI Agents Continue Search for Harlem Sheikh

Typo Leads to Creation of $179M Gorilla Warfare Program

 

From the Onion:

Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How to Mingle

Scientists Trace Heat Wave to Massive Star at Center of Solar System

 

Headlines, Real

Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybob-bop-bop Jailed for Drugs

—Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam

—Los Angeles Times

Somalia Gets a Tourist; Mogadishu Officials Are Baffled

—Time

 

I: Inverse Proportions

The BBC’s March obituary of Richard Griffiths led with the actor’s role in the Harry Potter films. Infuriated fans of his other movies created the hashtag #BBCobituaries to list ways deaths of other celebrities might have been reported:

  • Bicycle shop owners Orville and Wilbur Wright have passed away.
  • Bedtime for Bonzo costar, actor Ronald Reagan, dies.
  • Ex–U.S. Marine Corporal E. Presley dies.
  • Marilyn, ex-wife of Arthur Miller, dies.

 

J: Japes

Reddit asked readers to post the most intellectual joke they know. Get ready to nod knowingly.

  • A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I’d wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence 
fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

 

K: Kvetch

We’re hoping that Caribbean-based LIAT Airlines at least sent this 
former customer a free-drink voucher for his next flight … if there 
is one.

Dear LIAT,

May I say how considerate it is of you to enable your passengers [to take] such an in-depth and thorough tour of the Caribbean. Most other airlines I have traveled on would simply wish to take me from points A to B in rather a hurry. I was intrigued that we were allowed to stop 
at not a lowly one or two but a magnificent six airports yesterday. And who wants to fly on the same airplane the entire time? We got to change and refuel every step of the way!

I also enjoyed sampling the security scanners at each and every airport. I find it preposterous that people imagine them all to be the same. And as for being patted down by a variety of islanders, well, I feel as if I’ve been hugged by most of the Caribbean already.

As for our arrival, who wants to have to take a ferry at the end of all that flying anyway? I’m glad the boat was long gone by the time we arrived in Tortola last night—and that all those noisy bars and restaurants were closed.

So thank you, LIAT. I now understand why you are “The Caribbean Airline.”

P.S. Keep the bag. I never liked it anyway.

—Source: Arthur Hicks


L: Logic, Tortured

What good is it to save the planet if humanity suffers?

—ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson on why we should not concern ourselves with cutting carbon emissions

 

Next: Match the celebrities to their smells! »

  • Your Comments

    • Dmember

      Reader’s Digest used to have the best jokes of all. For a number of years now, none of them are funny.

    • Jessica Jacquet

      When I was in second grade, I pulled Alex Clark’s hair a lot. Alex Clark was a girl in my church. Greyson Clark has an older sister, Alex Clark. Sylvester Toe Jr. has an older sister, Cassie Toe. Xiomara Wolfmatian has green eyes. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish has brown eyes. Zion Zebra also has brown eyes. Wetzel Wolf also has brown eyes. Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish should be a Child Star (2010′s). Zion Zebra should also be a Child Star (2010′s). Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Casey Murray has an older sister, Cara, and a younger brother, Daniel.

    • Jerry Brooks

      Not for big laughs

    • SoCal Kathy

      Whose baby is that with Conan?