Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

By Andy Simmons
Also published in Reader's Digest Magazine December 2013

ricky gervaisCourtesy of Matt Hoyle

M: Movie Awards

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler tag-teamed at the Golden Globe awards—and totally killed it:

Fey: The Hunger Games was [a huge hit]. And also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.

Poehler: Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off.

 

N: Nouvelle Cuisine

On a trip to the African nation of Mali, French President François Hollande was given a camel in appreciation of France’s help in battling insurgents. Hollande left the camel in Mali, so officials there asked local farmers to “take care of the president’s camel.” It seems that the farmers heard “Eat the president’s camel,” because that is what they did.

—Source: telegraph.co.uk

 

O: Odiferous

Magazines often try to describe how celebrities smell. Can you link the star to the aroma?

1) Anne Hathaway

2) Kevin Bacon

3) Taylor Swift

4) Gwyneth Paltrow

5) Steven Spielberg

 

a) “Mothballs”

b) “A baby”

c) “A mix of baby powder and Listerine”

d) “Nachos and maple syrup”

e) “Expensive wood”

 

ANSWERS: 1-d; 2-c; 3-e; 4-a; 5-b

—From theawl.com

 

P: Party Politics

[On March 26, retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor turned 83 years old, and] in a 5–4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.

—David Letterman

 

Q: Quacking Up

Reality TV shows like Duck Dynasty 
become cable gold with lines like …

  • “Let me put this in Spanish for you … no.”
  • “Where I’m from, you don’t mess with another man’s woman … or his hat.”
  • “I’m like Aretha Franklin. Don’t get any R-E-S-P-E-C-T ’round this joint.”

 

R: Reaction, Shutdown

Has anyone just tried turning the government off then back on again?

—@chistophr

America is on shutdown @twitter; it’s time to start spelling “favourite” 
correctly.

—@HeardinLondon

 

S: Song, Updated

“50 Ways to Unsubscribe from Your Lover” (apologies to Paul Simon)

Unfollow her blog, dog

Change your profile pic, Rick

No need to retweet, Pete

Just listen to me!

Get off Instagram, Sam

Send her mail to the spam ca-a-a-n

Don’t like what you see, Lee

Unless it’s a selfie!

—Brandon Specktor

 

Next: New plots from @SeinfeldToday »

  • Your Comments

    • Dmember

      Reader’s Digest used to have the best jokes of all. For a number of years now, none of them are funny.

    • Jessica Jacquet

      When I was in second grade, I pulled Alex Clark’s hair a lot. Alex Clark was a girl in my church. Greyson Clark has an older sister, Alex Clark. Sylvester Toe Jr. has an older sister, Cassie Toe. Xiomara Wolfmatian has green eyes. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish has brown eyes. Zion Zebra also has brown eyes. Wetzel Wolf also has brown eyes. Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish should be a Child Star (2010′s). Zion Zebra should also be a Child Star (2010′s). Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Casey Murray has an older sister, Cara, and a younger brother, Daniel.

    • Jerry Brooks

      Not for big laughs

    • SoCal Kathy

      Whose baby is that with Conan?