Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

ricky gervais
Courtesy of Matt Hoyle

M: Movie Awards

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler tag-teamed at the Golden Globe awards—and totally killed it:

Fey: The Hunger Games was [a huge hit]. And also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.

Poehler: Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off.


N: Nouvelle Cuisine

On a trip to the African nation of Mali, French President François Hollande was given a camel in appreciation of France’s help in battling insurgents. Hollande left the camel in Mali, so officials there asked local farmers to “take care of the president’s camel.” It seems that the farmers heard “Eat the president’s camel,” because that is what they did.



O: Odiferous

Magazines often try to describe how celebrities smell. Can you link the star to the aroma?

1) Anne Hathaway

2) Kevin Bacon

3) Taylor Swift

4) Gwyneth Paltrow

5) Steven Spielberg


a) “Mothballs”

b) “A baby”

c) “A mix of baby powder and Listerine”

d) “Nachos and maple syrup”

e) “Expensive wood”


ANSWERS: 1-d; 2-c; 3-e; 4-a; 5-b



P: Party Politics

[On March 26, retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor turned 83 years old, and] in a 5–4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.

—David Letterman


Q: Quacking Up

Reality TV shows like Duck Dynasty 
become cable gold with lines like …

  • “Let me put this in Spanish for you … no.”
  • “Where I’m from, you don’t mess with another man’s woman … or his hat.”
  • “I’m like Aretha Franklin. Don’t get any R-E-S-P-E-C-T ’round this joint.”


R: Reaction, Shutdown

Has anyone just tried turning the government off then back on again?


America is on shutdown @twitter; it’s time to start spelling “favourite” 



S: Song, Updated

“50 Ways to Unsubscribe from Your Lover” (apologies to Paul Simon)

Unfollow her blog, dog

Change your profile pic, Rick

No need to retweet, Pete

Just listen to me!

Get off Instagram, Sam

Send her mail to the spam ca-a-a-n

Don’t like what you see, Lee

Unless it’s a selfie!

—Brandon Specktor


Next: New plots from @SeinfeldToday »

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4 thoughts on “Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

  1. Reader’s Digest used to have the best jokes of all. For a number of years now, none of them are funny.

  2. When I was in second grade, I pulled Alex Clark’s hair a lot. Alex Clark was a girl in my church. Greyson Clark has an older sister, Alex Clark. Sylvester Toe Jr. has an older sister, Cassie Toe. Xiomara Wolfmatian has green eyes. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish has brown eyes. Zion Zebra also has brown eyes. Wetzel Wolf also has brown eyes. Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish should be a Child Star (2010’s). Zion Zebra should also be a Child Star (2010’s). Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Casey Murray has an older sister, Cara, and a younger brother, Daniel.

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


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My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


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“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

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My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

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Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

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