M: Movie Awards
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler tag-teamed at the Golden Globe awards—and totally killed it:
Fey: The Hunger Games was [a huge hit]. And also what I call the six weeks it took me to get into this dress.
Poehler: Ang Lee’s been nominated for Best Director for Life of Pi, which is what I’m going to call the six weeks after I take this dress off.
N: Nouvelle Cuisine
On a trip to the African nation of Mali, French President François Hollande was given a camel in appreciation of France’s help in battling insurgents. Hollande left the camel in Mali, so officials there asked local farmers to “take care of the president’s camel.” It seems that the farmers heard “Eat the president’s camel,” because that is what they did.
Magazines often try to describe how celebrities smell. Can you link the star to the aroma?
1) Anne Hathaway
2) Kevin Bacon
3) Taylor Swift
4) Gwyneth Paltrow
5) Steven Spielberg
b) “A baby”
c) “A mix of baby powder and Listerine”
d) “Nachos and maple syrup”
e) “Expensive wood”
ANSWERS: 1-d; 2-c; 3-e; 4-a; 5-b
P: Party Politics
[On March 26, retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor turned 83 years old, and] in a 5–4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday.
Q: Quacking Up
Reality TV shows like Duck Dynasty become cable gold with lines like …
- “Let me put this in Spanish for you … no.”
- “Where I’m from, you don’t mess with another man’s woman … or his hat.”
- “I’m like Aretha Franklin. Don’t get any R-E-S-P-E-C-T ’round this joint.”
R: Reaction, Shutdown
Has anyone just tried turning the government off then back on again?
America is on shutdown @twitter; it’s time to start spelling “favourite” correctly.
S: Song, Updated
“50 Ways to Unsubscribe from Your Lover” (apologies to Paul Simon)
Unfollow her blog, dog
Change your profile pic, Rick
No need to retweet, Pete
Just listen to me!
Get off Instagram, Sam
Send her mail to the spam ca-a-a-n
Don’t like what you see, Lee
Unless it’s a selfie!
Next: New plots from @SeinfeldToday »
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.