T: Tropical Pun(ch)
Wind down with a drink from Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist, by Tim Federle.
- The Last of the Mojitos
- Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margarita
- Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri
- The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose
Virginia’s Arlington County police often post warning signs on the sides of highways. Here’s one they spent $13,000 on: “Don’t Hit the Car in Front of You.”
V: Vacancy, Vatican
After Pope Benedict resigned in February, the gliberati took to Twitter.
Life is popeless.
I think it’s nothing more than someone realizing that white is not their color.
You all read it wrong. The Pope is RE-SIGNING. $10M, 5 year extension.
Entrants of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest went out of their way to craft intentionally bad first lines for nonexistent novels. Our favorite:
Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal, and fry me in peanut oil; romance wasn’t easy for a mermaid.
The Ig Nobel Prize, awarded by the Annals of Improbable Research, recognizes weird science. Here are two winners.
- Psychology prize: For confirming, by experiment, that people who are drunk think they are attractive.
- Probability prize: For making two discoveries: first, that the longer a cow has been lying down, the more likely that cow will soon stand up; and second, that once a cow stands up, you can’t predict how soon that cow will lie down again.
Y: Yada Yada Yada
Seinfeld ended in 1998, but that hasn’t stopped the Twitter feed @SeinfeldToday from wondering how it might look if it were airing now:
- Kramer befriends Kate Upton, convinces her to get a breast reduction. JERRY: “Are you crazy?” KRAMER: “What?! They were hurting her back!” ; George discovers he unknowingly helped A-Rod get his steroids.
- Elaine is late to a movie because her new boyfriend (James Wolk) will only get in hybrid cabs; Kramer gives TED Talk full of nonsense words, gets a standing ovation; George’s Netflix thinks he’s gay.
- Elaine accidentally does a British accent in a job interview after marathoning Downton Abbey. She gets the job and has to keep faking it; George is caught in his underwear on Google Street View; Jerry’s gf (Claire Coffee) dumps him for mispronouncing quinoa.
A football fanatic’s obituary from July: “A lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, Scott E. Entsminger respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pallbearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.”
—Source: Columbus Dispatch
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.