Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013 | Reader's Digest

Laughterpedia: The Best Jokes of 2013

Relive the laughs from A to Z.

By Andy Simmons
Also published in Reader's Digest Magazine December 2013

john oliverCourtesy of Matt Hoyle

T: Tropical Pun(ch)

Wind down with a drink from Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist, by Tim Federle.

  • The Last of the Mojitos
  • Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margarita
  • Bridget Jones’s Daiquiri
  • The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose

 

U: Understatement

Virginia’s Arlington County police often post warning signs on the sides 
of highways. Here’s one they spent $13,000 on: “Don’t Hit the Car in Front of You.”

 

V: Vacancy, Vatican

After Pope Benedict resigned in February, the gliberati took to Twitter.

Life is popeless.
—Mia Farrow

I think it’s nothing more than someone realizing that white is not their color.
—@hoskas

You all read it wrong. The Pope is RE-SIGNING. $10M, 5 year extension.
—Will Brinson

 

W: Witerature

Entrants of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest went out of their way to craft intentionally bad first lines for nonexistent novels. Our favorite:

Betty had eyes that said come here, lips that said kiss me, arms and torso that said hold me all night long, but the rest of her body said, Fillet me, cover me in cornmeal, and fry me in peanut oil; romance wasn’t easy for a mermaid.

—Jordan Kaderli

 

X: X-Periments

The Ig Nobel Prize, awarded by the Annals of Improbable Research, recognizes weird science. Here are two winners.

  • Psychology prize: For confirming, by experiment, that people who are drunk think they are attractive.
  • Probability prize: For making two discoveries: first, that the longer a cow has been lying down, the more likely that cow will soon stand up; and second, that once a cow stands up, you can’t predict how soon that cow will lie down again.

 

Y: Yada Yada Yada

Seinfeld ended in 1998, but that hasn’t stopped the Twitter feed 
@SeinfeldToday from wondering how it might look if it were airing now:

  • Kramer befriends Kate Upton, convinces her to get a breast reduction. JERRY: “Are you crazy?” KRAMER: “What?! They were hurting her back!” ; George discovers he unknowingly helped A-Rod get his steroids.
  • Elaine is late to a movie because her new boyfriend (James Wolk) will only get in hybrid cabs; Kramer gives TED Talk full of nonsense words, gets a standing ovation; George’s Netflix thinks he’s gay.
  • Elaine accidentally does a British accent in a job interview after marathoning Downton Abbey. She gets the job and has to keep faking it; George is caught in his underwear on Google Street View; Jerry’s gf (Claire Coffee) dumps him for mispronouncing quinoa.

 

Z: Zingers

A football fanatic’s obituary from July: “A lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, Scott E. Entsminger respectfully requests six Cleveland Browns pallbearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.”

—Source: Columbus Dispatch

  • Your Comments

    • Dmember

      Reader’s Digest used to have the best jokes of all. For a number of years now, none of them are funny.

    • Jessica Jacquet

      When I was in second grade, I pulled Alex Clark’s hair a lot. Alex Clark was a girl in my church. Greyson Clark has an older sister, Alex Clark. Sylvester Toe Jr. has an older sister, Cassie Toe. Xiomara Wolfmatian has green eyes. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish has brown eyes. Zion Zebra also has brown eyes. Wetzel Wolf also has brown eyes. Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Hartley Hawaiian Butterfly Fish should be a Child Star (2010′s). Zion Zebra should also be a Child Star (2010′s). Cassie Toe was a girl in my church. Casey Murray has an older sister, Cara, and a younger brother, Daniel.

    • Jerry Brooks

      Not for big laughs

    • SoCal Kathy

      Whose baby is that with Conan?