Michael Vick’s New Dog Reacts to Being Adopted by Michael Vick

“Michael who?”

“I’m sorry, who did you say was adopting me?”

“An athlete.”

“A synchronized swimmer? A lawn bowler?”

“No, a football player.”

“A punter?”

“A quarterback.”

“Eli Manning?”

“Uh, no. It’s, uhm


“No, it’s, uhm … Michael Vick.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

“Michael Vick.”

“… oh …”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Wasn’t there that nice lady with the cute kid …”

“She has cats.”

“Ughh …”

“We know you prefer no cats.”

“Wow… Michael Vick.”

“I know.”

“Well, I won’t mask my disappointment. Does he know I had my molars removed after the Nylabone incident? Or that I have very dry skin which is exacerbated by rough contact with other dogs? I’ll flake all over his couches, does he know that?”

“He has your records.”

“Look at me, I’m absolutely shedding. I can’t stop peeing, and I’ve already been on seven walks today.”

“You really should calm down.”

“You know, it’s not like I can’t stand cats.”

“Sorry, she already adopted Rusty. Rusty likes cats.”

“Rusty likes squirrels, too. ‘Nuff said about Rusty!”

“Mr. Vick says he doesn’t partake in dogfighting anymore.”

“They all say that.”

“He filmed a commercial for PETA. Oh, and he doesn’t even own a vacuum.”


“He’s rich. If the floor gets dirty, he buys a new one.”

“Well … You know it’s not that I’m afraid to fight other dogs.”

“Of course not.”

“I just choose to use my words, instead.”

“I know.”

“No vacuum, huh?”

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.