Don’t Say These 7 Things When Giving Mother’s Day Gifts

On Mother's Day, Valentines Day, or any such holiday designed to tempt female hormones, presentation counts for a lot. Here's a helpful primer for getting the most emotional mileage out of your presents for your mom, no matter how close to home you bought them.

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Gift: Flowers

Gift: Flowers
What to tell mom: Mother, to find a gift that truly captures your own beauty of mind, body, and fragrance would be impossible—but this luscious bouquet of lilies and stately purple roses was the closest I could come…

What not to tell her
: …Plus, it was all they had left this morning at the 7-Eleven down the street, and my scratch-off tickets didn't pan out as anticipated. I promise, I would've shared my first million with ya!

Gift: Expensive Wine

Gift: Expensive Wine
What to tell mom: After the hard work of raising a family like ours, you've earned the comforts of life's finer things. This is a rare, 600-year-old Burgundy from a secret French vineyard that only Batman and Beyoncé know about. You deserve only the finest…

What not to tell her: …And I'm not just trying to get you drunk so you'll let me take Grandma's wedding ring home tonight. Drink up, mom. Drink up.

Gift: Jewelry

Gift: Jewelryhttp://journeyofamilitarygirlfriend.tumblr.com
What to tell mom: I got this custom-engraved for you. Each link in the chain represents one cherished childhood memory. The heart, obviously, is for love. And you see, right here, where it says "YOLO"? That's a powerful Celtic love charm that stands for "Your Offspring's Love Overflowing." The words must never be spoken aloud, though. Wear them close to your heart, just as you are so close to my heart. I love you, mom…

What not to tell her: …Almost as much as I love Hot Topic, where I picked up this necklace for $14.95. Please: never Google "YOLO."

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Gift: An iPad, E-Reader, or Equivalent Gadget

Gift: An iPad, E-Reader, or Equivalent Gadgethttp://amorporgatos.tumblr.com
What to tell mom: Such a smart, savvy lady should be up to date on the latest communication trends. Now we can text all the time! We can send each other photos and videos, and even play Scrabble together across the country! We'll be closer than ever…

What not to tell her
: …And maybe if I get you hooked on Temple Run, we can pad our relationship with talk about high scores instead of dad's weekly hemorrhoid report. Denial: there's an app for that.

Gift: Event Tickets

Gift: Event Tickets
What to tell mom: I'm not gonna lie to you, Mom: this is a gift for me, too. Not only do I get to enjoy the splendor of [Cirque du Soleil or whatever parade of leotards you purchased tickets for], but I also get to spend the WHOLE DAY with the woman I love most in the entire world…

What not to tell her:
…And the best part is, this gift keeps on giving, because I am going to rub this evening in your face every time you make me feel even the slightest bit guilty from now until next Mother's Day! Xoxo

Gift: A Nice Brunch

Gift: A Nice Brunch
What to tell mom: It's such a gorgeous afternoon, how could we spend it anywhere but your favorite breakfast nook? Warm coffee, a cool breeze, and the best company any of us could ask for. Brunch truly is the perfect meal…

What not to tell her:
…because I definitely can't afford three steak dinners right now, and I'm still kind of hungover from last night. I hope they serve chocolate chip-and-Tylenol pancakes. And a large coffee.

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Gift: Nothing

Gift: Nothing
What to tell mom: No, mom, I didn't forget to get you a present. My gift is a surprise too big to wrap, and it's waiting for you in the park, right now. Are you ready for this?  Are you ready to cry with joy? OK. Let's do this…

What not to tell her:
Please let there be something in the park I can steal. Please let there be something in the park I can steal. Please let there be something in the park I can st…

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