You don’t have to be a fan of the New York Yankees to appreciate writer Mark Lisanti’s brilliant creation, Derek Jeter’s Diary. The hilarious faux-record of the future Hall of Famer’s innermost thoughts and observations appears in weekly installments on grantland.com. Jeter, the composed, somewhat distant captain of the team turns out to be the perfect target for Lisanti’s needle-sharp wit.
Even lifelong Yankees fans like me have no idea what the hyper-private Derek Jeter is really like or what he really thinks about anything. So when Lisanti’s Jeter pens this after an “ugly win” in Detroit — “The W is always the most important thing, the thing you want so much that you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating through the silk sheets Reggie Jackson recommended for your custom-made, interlocking-NY-logo-shaped, alkaline-waterbed, and immediately head to the rooftop batting cage to get in some extra swings, knowing that a few more cuts in the 3 a.m. Manhattan moonlight could be the difference between a seven- or an eight-game divisional lead in mid-August.” — I’m laughing, but I’m also thinking, ‘Hmm, that could be exactly how Jeter’s mind works.’
The real point of the diary, of course, is to be funny, and Lisanti never disappoints. For example: You never quite trust a guy who spent that much of his career on the Red Sox; the entire time Johnny Damon was with us, he wasn’t allowed to wander the Stadium unsupervised because there was a credible fear he signed in New York only to assassinate Robbie Cano. That “credible fear” is a master’s touch, and the diary is full of them. So check it out. It’s a grand slam.
Photo by Keith Allison/Wikimedia Commons
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.