A Romanian man was one of
six thieves arrested for stealing $24 million worth of
artwork from a Dutch museum. But he
insisted that another party was even more guilty. Whom do you think he’s considering suing?
A) His incompetent partners; B) the museum, for making it too easy to pilfer the art;
or C) Picasso, Monet, and Gauguin for being so enticing. Answer: B. Last we heard, he was mulling it over.
After her divorce was final, a British woman filed a claim against A) her husband, for driving her to
divorce; B) the judge, for gaveling
too loudly; C) her lawyers, who
neglected to tell her that divorce would result in her marriage ending. Answer: C. The case was dismissed.
Rather than typing facebook into his Apple computer’s browser,
a Tennessee lawyer inadvertently typed f***book. Shockingly, it
turned out that the site contained pornography, which appealed to the lawyer’s “biological sensibilities.” Since the snafu resulted in his becoming addicted to erotica, he’s siccing a lawyer on A) Apple, for not warning computer users against the evils of smut; B) f***book,
for having a name similar to Facebook; C) Facebook, for having a name too similar to f***book. Answer: A. A lawsuit is pending.
Two men pulled guns in a
Pittsburgh-area bar and went all Wild West–y. When the smoke cleared, both gunslingers were in
the hospital, and one had a $20,000 lawsuit in his sights against A) the other guy, for laughing at his Shirley Temple order; B) the gun manufacturer, for enabling each man to shoot the other; C) the booze makers, for
making the men stupid drunk. Answer: Actually, D. The bar,
for neglecting to check that they weren’t armed. The charges were shot down.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.