A Wisconsin man tried to save money by painting the exterior of his house himself. First he took off the old layer of paint with a blowtorch.
Unfortunately … He successfully removed the paint, but he also removed much of the house when it went up in flames. Source: wbay.com
A bank customer saw a man in line packing heat. Not wanting to spook the gunman, he slipped the teller a note informing her.
Unfortunately … The bank teller thought the customer was saying he had a weapon; she had him arrested. As for the man with the gun—he had a permit to carry it. Source: courant.com
Tens of thousands of people packed St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City to hear Pope Francis pray for peace in Ukraine. The ceremony was topped by the release of two white peace doves.
Unfortunately … A seagull and a crow attacked the symbols of peace. Source: Associated Press
How did the Tampa Woman’s Club get people to participate in a charity event? By plying them with champagne and the chance to win a $5,000 diamond. If that weren’t fun enough, the lucky winner would find the shiny bauble in her bubbly!
Unfortunately … When the lucky winner drank her flute of bubbly, she swallowed her shiny bauble. Source: thedenverchannel.com
A Russian woman named Natalya was thousands of dollars in debt, so she did what any reasonable person would do to get out of paying it: She had a sex-change operation. “Andrian” got a new passport and even managed to borrow more money.
Unfortunately … Andrian is now on the lam, but he can’t get off that easily, said authorities. “If a debtor thinks he can escape that way, he’s very much mistaken,” said a Russian bailiff. Source: dailystar.co.uk
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.