An Eternally Crucified Picky Eater Explains All

Picky eaters, unite! A lifelong fussy eater, this writer is unapologetic about saying, “No, thank you!”

Kang Kim

The guy in the flannel shirt really wanted me to eat his crab. “Have a claw!” he said, waving a steaming pincer in my face with tongs. “No, thanks. I’m good. You go ahead,” I said. I’ve suffered through this gastronomic showdown a million times, from Paris to Paducah, and it always ends the same way. I turn down food I don’t want to eat. At best, I offend somebody. At worst, I make a new unfriend.

The crab pusher came at me last summer at a beach party in Gustavus, Alaska, a little town on the fringes of Glacier Bay National Park. Golden sun shining off the water. Friendly locals. Cans of Rainier on ice. Alaskan king crab pulled from the frigid Pacific just hours earlier, now boiling in a giant kettle. A bighearted fisherman pulling out my prize from the pot.

“Have a claw!”

After my third refusal, the cheery offer started to sound more like a prison warden’s order to get back in line. The fisherman’s expression said, I am the executor of your once-in-a-lifetime experience. So take the claw, and we’ll both walk away happy.

Now here it was, the inevitable moment when the personal capital I’d accrued was about to get squandered with a single confession: “I don’t eat crab.” I don’t care how much butter and garlic you soak it in, that crustacean spider’s gnarled clamper is not coming anywhere near my mouth.

“Don’t eat crab?” His mariner eyes narrowed. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”

Keep the laughs coming every week!

Get our hilarious Funny Reads newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you the newsletter each week, and we may also send you occasional special offers from Reader's Digest. For more information please read our privacy policy.

4 thoughts on “An Eternally Crucified Picky Eater Explains All

  1. I tend to be a bit behind on my RD’s, but finally got to this one recently. People will never know how difficult it can be to be on this end of the food spectrum. I have to side eye RD a bit though… Can someone explain to me why this is in the ‘funny stuff’ section?

  2. Oh, how I can relate. However, I have to say, Mr. Thompson is making this much harder on himself than he has to.
    Many years ago, I went to dinner at my boyfriend’s house. Most of what they served has never, and will never pass my lips. They were very sweet, I couldn’t hurt their feelings, so I got creative. I will admit, my boyfriend had been watching to see how I would handle the situation, as he knew of my picky eating, and the look of surprise on his face, when I explained to his parents about my “allergies” was priceless, but it was then I learned: People may not be able to understand/accept my food hang ups, but they can understand/accept allergies. They were very sympathetic, and the time we spent there quite pleasant. I ate later, on the way home.

  3. I admit I am not quite this picky, but I have always wished I could temporarily swap tastebuds with those who try to push me to eat food I don’t like so they would get it and stop bugging me. I try to at least try things just to be sure, but 90% of the time, I am right…

  4. I feel like Mr. Thompson crawled inside my head and wrote this article. I love food. I dream about food. However, I love the food I choose to love… and the selection may be small, but it’s MY choice! I hate food pushers. Just because you will put literally ANYTHING into your mouth doesn’t mean I have to do the same. I am picky and proud!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.


Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

Fields marked with an * are required
Foods That Harm Foods That HealWant a Free eBook?
FOODS THAT HARM, FOODS THAT HEAL offers important information about the role diet plays in the struggle against heart disease, cancer, diabetes and other serious illnesses. Answer the question below to receive your FREE digital eBook.

Someone in my household experiences the following conditions:

Send me a link to download FOODS THAT HARM, FOODS THAT HEAL:
By clicking below, I agree to the Trusted Media Brands Privacy Policy