“There are times when we misplace a bag, and this was one of those times” is how a spokesman for Alaska Airlines summed up matters after it was revealed that the airline had lost the luggage of its CEO, Brad Tilden.
“I have to cut out eating breakfast at home.” That’s the conclusion a New Jersey schoolteacher reached after he was suspended for being late to work 111 times over the past two years.
“We’re happy to report that Daniel will be getting the new photo he requested.” An Australian on the lam for drug and traffic offenses reacted to his mug shot the police posted on Facebook by responding, “Can you use a better photo? This is a horrible mug shot.” The cops granted Daniel his wish, planting him in front of a police photographer soon after he was arrested.
“He obviously wanted to make sure he didn’t fail to appear.” This was a California district attorney attempting to make heads or tails out of why an accused car thief would arrive at the courthouse for his hearing in a stolen car.
“My understanding is that they’ve rescinded the offer of employment,” said a police officer, after a job seeker, having landed a coveted position at an Illinois company, accidentally texted a naked photo of himself to a human resources manager.
Source: Chicago Tribune
“The irony is not lost on us.” So said the director of Montana’s Department of Environmental Quality. She was referring to the fact that employees were placed on paid leave and their office building shut down while it was tested for lead poisoning.
Source: Helena Independent Record
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.