Scenario 1: Your husband plants himself on the couch all weekend
Sarcastic joke that harms: Crack wise: “Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.”
Witty joke that heals: This gag tells him you’re chill with his chilling: “In heaven, Mother Teresa is dining with God, who has made a couple of tuna fish sandwiches. While they’re eating, she looks down into hell and sees the denizens eating steak, lobster, and crème brûlée. ‘Not that I’m complaining,’ she says, ‘but why are they eating lavishly, and we’re having tuna sandwiches?’ ‘Well,’ says God, ‘with just the two of us up here, I figure, why cook?’ ”
Scenario 2: Your cheap friend is driving you nuts
Sarcastic joke that harms: Steal this line from Caroline Rhea, who recalls a thrifty date: “Instead of buying me a drink, this guy offered me a sip of his.”
Witty joke that heals: Accentuate the positive like Al Clethen did: “People always say, ‘He died penniless,’ as if it’s a terrible thing. Sounds like good timing to me.”
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.