10 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

For when you need the laughs to come fast

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What's the best thing about Switzerland?

What's the best thing about Switzerland?Charles C. Foster, Flickr Commons
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I invented a new word!

I invented a new word! State Library and Archives of Florida, Flickr Commons
Plagiarism!

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?National Library of Wales, Flickr Commons
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"Powerhouse Museum, Flickr Commons
Because every play has a cast. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. LSE Library, Flickr Commons
"Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type."

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"State Library and Archives of Florida, Flickr Commons
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

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Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!State Library and Archives of Florida, Flickr Commons
Who's there? Control Freak. Con... Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?SDASM archives, Flickr Commons
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" Library of Congress, Flickr Commons
"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."Robert E. Fisher, Flickr Commons
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

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Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

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I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

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“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

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Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

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My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

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“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

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My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

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Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

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