12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

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An average performance

An average performancePhotodisc/Thinkstock
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

Computer Science 101

Computer Science 101iStock/Thinkstock
How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

Caesar on the rocks, please

Caesar on the rocks, pleaseiStock/Thinkstock
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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Not to mention trempé

Not to mention <i>trempé</i>iStock/Thinkstock
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

Speculative women's studies

Speculative women's studies
A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

Om my!

Om my!iStock/Thinkstock
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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Graduate-Level Statistics

Graduate-Level StatisticsiStock/Thinkstock
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

The Sartre of living

The Sartre of livingiStock/Thinkstock
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

One-upmanship

One-upmanshipStockbyte/Thinkstock
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

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Intro to Comparative Religion

Intro to Comparative ReligioniStock/Thinkstock
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

—Emo Philips

Objectionable content

Objectionable contentHemera/Thinkstock
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

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165 thoughts on “12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

  1. I particularly liked the one with the average human having one breast and one testicle. These jokes are hillarious to those who actually paid attention in school and actually learned something….

  2. What do you call an Arab with his arm up a camel’s butt?
    A Mechanic!
    What were you going to say, “comfortable?”

  3. Jokes need to be more entertaining, if they can’t induce laugh, they should bring smile at least on face. – A.R.Shams’s Reflection

  4. For joke 7: Wouldn’t the average human have 2 breasts and one testicle since men have breasts too?

  5. I’ve got an idea. Instead of spending so much time watching worthless entertainment and pro sports, and trying to sound like a genius, why don’t people do something worthwhile and actually take a step towards being one?

  6. Did you hear the one about the guy who memorized these jokes? They were so funny, but he forgot to laugh.

  7. In #10 … “franchise”?! Are you SURE? Don’t you mean “denomination”?

  8. What brings colored eggs in a basket and anesthetizes you if you breath it? The ether bunny. What brings colored eggs in a basket and usually smells nice. The ester bunny.

  9. Chemistry Joke Did you hear about the chemist who fell into an esterification vat? He survived, but was severely butylated.

  10. A few they missed. Two atoms are staggering out of a bar, One says, “wait! I think I lost an electron in there.” The second asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive!” Remember, math and alcohol don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.

    1. Q: How come you can’t trust atoms?

      .

      .

      .

      .

      .

      .

      A: They make up everything!

  11. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

    Sorry – I see someone beat me to it a few months ago.

  12. A person puts together a list of jokes from the point of view of really smart people. All really smart people are represented by images of white males. Hahahaha.

  13. “Seine,” as in “la Seine,” the river, is not pronounced like “sAne.” And you wouldn’t say “in Seine,” of course, but “in the Seine.” Just plain dumb.

  14. Tell these and you will not seem smart just stupid as hell. These are jokes for children.

  15. I find it a little depressing that with 12 pictures of laughing scientists, every single one was a man. Does Reader’s Digest not believe that women can be scientists? Or does Reader’s Digest not believe that women can have a sense of humor?

    1. Who would teach said woman to read well enough to understand the jokes?

    2. Funny, because I resented it that all the images were of stupid looking white-guys. We get this message on too many commercials anymore, as well. Paybacks, it has been suggested.

  16. Two chemists walk in a bar…..the first says I will have an H2O. He takes a refreshing drink. The next chemist says I will have an H2O2. He dies!!! (Get it?)

  17. I have to protest NOT the jokes, but the photos here . As a high school science teachers in a lower/middle class school, we fought hard to help our students get ahead. But we also had to fight against the stereotypes that scientists were white men, looked crazy, had wild hair and glasses, and no female would ever look at twice. If you look again, you will see how the photos in this article strongly reinforces those stereotypes and are not fair or representative of scientists, just the stereotype.
    We found out what a big deal this was when a doctoral research project in the area was interviewing young male students who are black or Hispanic and who would have
    excelled in science, math, and engineering, but had chosen NOT to go
    into these fields. The reason they gave? Science was only for crazy looking white guys who couldn’t get the girls, and they didn’t want to face the
    ridicule of family and friends.
    The female students also were less likely to choose science due to the stereotypes.
    Keep the jokes, they are funny. But how about making the scientists more diverse in race, gender, ability? And make some look cool, because many scientists really are cool.

    1. No offense, but you should have asked a high school English teacher colleague to proofread your complaint.

  18. You mean I never told you about the two dudes who pulled off in a motor boat and shot across the bay?

  19. Hear the one about the mythical beast called the Great Roe. It had the body of a lion, and the head of a lion, though not the same lion.

  20. These aren’t very funny. And I scored high enough on my MAT to qualify for MENSA.

  21. Archie was a chemist,
    A chemist he is no more,
    For what he thought was H 2 O,
    Was H 2 SO 4

  22. A bumpersticker seen in the CalTech parking lot. Beware The Quantum Duck! Quark Quark!

  23. Business was very slow one night at the Black Angus Restaurant. The staff just could not figure it out….until the dishwasher went outside to dump the garbage and noticed that the ‘g’ in ‘Angus’ was not illuminated.

  24. The Philosopher DesCartes was in a bar. The bartender asked him if he would like another. He said “I think not” and disappeared.

  25. Transcendental Meditation is an offshoot of Hinduism, not Buddhism. Just sayin’.

  26. Then there was the race car driver who was also a GPS technician. He might have won the race if he hadn’t had to stop two times to ask for directions.

  27. Just when you thought no one would ever purchase your awful stock photos…

  28. It would be the Stradivari family…so you are back to sounding stupid.

    1. A scientist walks into a bar and asks for a glass of h20, another scientist sitting next to the man asked for a glass of h20 too, the second scientist died

  29. So, you all know what the large hadron collider is right? Well, as we all know they are searching for the “God” particle. And they thought they had actually found it, as their sensors detected it just the other day, or so they thought.

    It actually turned out that Chuck Norris was touring the facility and was standing to close to the sensor array.

    Thank you!!! My work here is done………. :) Ohhh, and btw, when this joke shows up on one of the talk shows, I want credit!!!!

      1. Is that ClaptOn or ClaptOff ???

        And do your lights go off and on when you say that?

  30. I was going to tell a chemistry joke but all of the good jokes argon.

  31. The no cream joke was from an old George Burns/Gracie Allen skit. That is many years ago.

  32. Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop says to him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”

    There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

  33. Reader’s Digest used to be a family friendly magazine, but not anymore. It seems like they are trying to be politically correct or something. It went down the tubes when Liz, the new editor, took over. Breast, testicle, fetishes, Christian mocking, women’s periods, etc. What the heck? I’m sure someone will tell me to “lighten up”, but most of these jokes are just off-color enough that I would not want to share them. I’m not judging anyone who thinks they are funny, but none of them sounded even remotely “genius caliber” to me. Sorry, RD, but this is exactly why I canceled my subscription two years ago. You can do better.

    1. I canceled my subscription when EVERY issue for a whole year has at least one article pushing the global warming myth.

      1. I stopped subscribing when I realized the other subscribers were dimwits who don’t believe in science.

        1. You should learn some logic; disagreeing with a theory is distinct from
          disagreeing with a method for judging theories. Worse for you, that
          mistake proves you aren’t capable of judging theories on the basis of
          scientific standards. Try again? Perhaps you’d like to learn about Karl Popper first?

        2. I just laughed for 5 minutes. Thank you for making my day! oh yeah, go science!

      2. I started subscribing when I realized the subscribers who were dimwits who don’t believe in science were cancelling their subscriptions.

        1. You should learn some logic; disagreeing with a theory is distinct from disagreeing with a method for judging theories. Worse for you, that mistake proves you aren’t capable of judging theories on the basis of scientific standards. Doh!

      3. Smart. Maybe they will start publishing real science (including the INDISPUTABLE PROOF that The Theory of Global Warming is wrong) if enough people stop subscribing.

  34. Statistics…please…. More than 37.6 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  35. A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software developer are riding in a car and as they are going down a hill, the brakes fail. They keep gaining speed until finally they veer off the road and crash, barely avoiding death.

    The chemical engineer says, “Riding the brakes must have generated too much heat, causing the failure.” The mechanical engineer says, “No, I believe that one of the braking components broke under the stress, which caused the failure. The software engineer says, “Let’s go back to the top of the hill and try it again!”

  36. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one says, “Bartender, give me a beer.” The next one says, “Bartender, give me half a beer.”, the next one says, “Bartender, give me one quarter of a beer”, the next one says, “Bartender, give me one eighth of a beer”. It goes on like this for awhile and finally the bartender says, “Ok, gentlemen, you know your limits”.

    1. A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks the bartender, “How much?”
      The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

    1. Well, no, because normally you would say it’s as easy as 1-2-3 (leaving out the first number – zero), so in binary if you also left out the first number (zero) you would say easy as 01,10,11.

      1. If each of the binary numbers in your sequence had the first digit as a zero, you would have 4-2-6 in decimal not 1-2-3. 1-2-3 in binary is 1-01-11. Adding any additional zeros after a binary number does not change its value unlike a decimal number. Anyone up for Octal?

        1. “Adding any additional zeros after a binary number does not change its value unlike a decimal number”

          Yes it does; 10 is 2; 100 is 4; 1000 is 8

          2 in binary is 10.

        1. Are you dyslexic? 1 is the same as 01 is the same as 00000001. Putting zeros on the end changes the number.

    2. Their are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that know binary and those that do not.

    3. 1 is (0)1… you don’t start from 0.

      You don’t say ‘0, 1, 2, 3’, you say, ‘1, 2, 3′. Hence, ’01, 10, 11’.

  37. There were 11 (not 12) jokes. Just sayin’. I did find the jokes funny, though.

    1. I even modified the website address from 12 to 13 and there was not another joke

  38. That was great actually, because some of the jokes had more than one punch line and that is really cool. Honestly I’ve never seen jokes do that.

    1. I bet you have!

      “Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.”

      Jack is the king. Jill is the Queen. The well on a hill is a metaphor for the attempt by modern royals to fake prosperity by debasing the currency using debt instruments.

      “Crown” means his head (in the poem, and on the guillotine), his kingship (the royal hat), and the kings coins, known as ‘crowns,’ because debasement trashes the currency and creates the unrest in society that led to, for example, Loius XVI beheading.

  39. #10 was positively plagiarized from Emo Phillips, without a particle of doubt.

    Also: the martinus joke: Wayne and Shuster

    1. Emo Phillips stole from Monty Python. And it’s funnier with the accent!

        1. You obviously didn’t understand my comment! Most peoples is morons… you’re no exception dipsheet!

          1. No, Dork, I got it. See, I’ve got breastesses, and a vag, but I also know how to read and comprehend. It’s a gift.

          2. First it was a joke… about men! And it wasn’t misogynest (sic), chauvanistic (sic), or dorky! At least you can spell “dork”. For a wannabe “smart chick” you leave something to be desired. And you probably thing all the chicks who are “faking it” really are just bimbos! You must be a closet misogynist

          3. Jokes that have to be explained are never funny.

          4. In France, we spell it “Dorque.” And we don’t need to spell misogynist at all – we love women.

    1. A beautiful blonde is driving her convertable and was going a bit too fast so she was pulled over by a “Blonde” Female Police Officer. The Police tells her you know I pulled you over because you were driving a bit too fast and she asked to see her Drivers licence. The driver took out her hand bag and was looking in it for quiter a while and then finally says, what does a drivers licence look like again I forgot. The “Blonde” Police tells her it’s the little square thing with a photo. She again looks in her bag and low and behold she finds a mirror. She hands the police the mirror, the police looks in the mirror and gives it back and then tells her, “I will give you a break today because I did not know you were a Police Officer, have a nice day and please slow down a bit.”

      1. What horrible spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structure! I hope your math is better than your grammar. Excuse me, gramma.

        1. Well I am sorrY to disappoint you but my math is even worsE, howeveR my peckeR is biGGer than Yours and that is no JoKe

    2. Hey, what about Captain Samantha Carter….The absolute smartest person in any room.

    1. There once was a stripper, a pip,
      Named Virginia who could peel in a zip,
      But she read science fiction,
      And died of constriction,
      Attempting a Mobius strip.

  40. A mathematician looks at a house. He see 2 people enter, and later sees 3 people leaves. He thinks to himself “if 1 more person enters that house, then it will be empty!”

    1. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all three of you want a beer”? The first logician says, “I don’t know”. The second says, “I don’t know”. The third says, “Yes”.

  41. because the only smart people out there are middle-aged white men with glasses and goofy face.

    1. I am a middle-aged white female with glasses and a not so goofy face and I really liked these jokes.

      1. Well maybe your just dont have the knowledge to get them… most people dont.

  42. Hello RD (Y) How can I submit original jokes? Thank you (Y)

  43. A zen master walks up to a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

    1. The guy gives the guy his hot dog and the the Zen master gives the guy a twenty. “What about my change?” asks the Zen master and the guy replies, “Real change comes from within.”

      “What’ll you have, buddy?” asks the bartender. A tachyon walks into a bar.

      1. THANK YOU!! for the follow up. I use these at work and people really laugh at two related jokes. I have gotten so much mileage out of the two Roman bar jokes, for example.
        A cop pulls Heisenberg over. “Do you know how fast you were going?” he asks. “No, but I know precisely where I am.”

        1. As far as I know, the “I’ll have a martinus,” “Don’t you mean a martini?” “When I want two, I’ll tell you” originated with the Canadian comedians, Wayne and Shuster. One advantage of growing up in Detroit was getting Canadian tv.

          I think Youtube both has that skit, “Julius Casesar” done as a tough-guy detective show, and also their classic Shakespearean baseball game. That contains one of the great lines in history and I don’t think I’m quoting exactly: “Go then to thy appointed bases. Jackie to the first, Pee Wee to the second, and Richard the third.”

          1. Thank you again. Shall look that up. You are a TROVE!

          2. Five years ago I lost my sole Canadian channel. I still miss is…American television is crap in comparison.

    2. A rookie comedian sought the Comedic Zen Master at the top of the mountain and asked, “How can I become a great Stand-Up Comedian?” The Zen Master replied, “Be the joke.”

      1. im just kidding that wasn’t me that was alondra

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