An average performance
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!â
Computer Science 101
How easy is it to count in binary? Itâs as easy as 01 10 11.
Caesar on the rocks, please
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. âYou mean a martini?â the bartender asks. The Roman replies, âIf I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!â
Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, âFive beers, please.â
Not to mention trempÃ©
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Content continues below ad
Speculative women's studies
A philosopher says to a linguist âWhat if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?â The linguist replied, âThey'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.â
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The Sartre of living
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, âIâd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.â
The waitress replies, âIâm sorry, Monsieur, but weâre out of cream. How about with no milk?â
Content continues below ad
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: âWe make the best violins in Italy.â The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: âWe make the best violins in the world.â Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: âWe make the best violins on the block.â
Intro to Comparative Religion
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, âDonât do it!â
He said, âNobody loves me.â
I said, âGod loves you. Do you believe in God?â
He said, âYes.â I said, âAre you a Christian or a Jew?â
He said, âA Christian.â I said, âMe too! Protestant or Catholic?â
He said, âProtestant.â I said, âMe too! What franchise?â
He said, âBaptist.â I said, âMe too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?â
He said, âNorthern Baptist.â I said, âMe too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?â
He said, âNorthern Conservative Baptist.â I said, âMe too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?â
He said, âNorthern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.â I said, âMe too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?â
He said, âNorthern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.â I said, âDie, heretic!â And I pushed him over.
Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.