Truthiness! The 14 Best-Ever Stephen Colbert Quotes

In 2015, Stephen Colbert will take David Letterman's late-night spot and bring his flawless wit with him.

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There's an old saying...

There's an old saying...Laura Formisano
"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good."

The way to a man's...

The way to a man's...Laura Formisano
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage."

Don't cry...

Don't cry...Laura Formisano
"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

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Contrary to what people...

Contrary to what people...Laura Formisano
"Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit on stupidity."

I cannot stand...

I cannot stand...Laura Formisano
“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

If our Founding Fathers...

If our Founding Fathers...Laura Formisano
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

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The summer movies...

The summer movies...Laura Formisano
"The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book."

I would say laughter...

I would say laughter...Laura Formisano
"I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids."

The pen is...

The pen is...Laura Formisano
"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun."

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Give a man a...

Give a man a...Laura Formisano
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy!"

An apple a day...

An apple a day...Laura Formisano
"An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."

If women are...

If women are...Laura Formisano
"If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry."

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Clothes don't make...

Clothes don't make...Laura Formisano
"Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants."

Here's an easy way...

Here's an easy way...Laura Formisano
"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

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