Truthiness! The 14 Best-Ever Stephen Colbert Quotes

In 2015, Stephen Colbert will take David Letterman's late-night spot and bring his flawless wit with him.

View as Slideshow


There's an old saying...

There's an old saying...Laura Formisano
"There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good."

The way to a man's...

The way to a man's...Laura Formisano
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage."

Don't cry...

Don't cry...Laura Formisano
"Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

Content continues below ad

Contrary to what people...

Contrary to what people...Laura Formisano
"Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit on stupidity."

I cannot stand...

I cannot stand...Laura Formisano
“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

If our Founding Fathers...

If our Founding Fathers...Laura Formisano
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

Content continues below ad

The summer movies...

The summer movies...Laura Formisano
"The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book."

I would say laughter...

I would say laughter...Laura Formisano
"I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids."

The pen is...

The pen is...Laura Formisano
"The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun."

Content continues below ad

Give a man a...

Give a man a...Laura Formisano
"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy!"

An apple a day...

An apple a day...Laura Formisano
"An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."

If women are...

If women are...Laura Formisano
"If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry."

Content continues below ad

Clothes don't make...

Clothes don't make...Laura Formisano
"Clothes don't make the man, God does. Stop taking credit, my pants."

Here's an easy way...

Here's an easy way...Laura Formisano
"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

Become more interesting every week!

Get our Read Up newsletter

how we use your e-mail
We will use your email address to send you this newsletter. For more information please read our privacy policy.

Funny Jokes

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

Funny Jokes

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

Funny Jokes

“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram


Funny Jokes

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

Funny Jokes

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


Funny Jokes

Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.


Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”


Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.