Are you going to a Halloween party this year? If so, you probably have your costume picked out, as well as your candy carrier (mine is a Samsonite Cruisair suitcase, with a hard body so that my chocolaty booty doesn’t get crushed and spinning wheels so I don’t wreck my back lugging it all home).
You also probably know exactly the type of person you’ll see at the party. That’s because, as The Frisky points out, there are exactly nine types of people who show up at these shindigs. For example, “there’s the guy who’s not dressed up and really wants to tell you why. He’s mingling through the sea of costumes wearing jeans and a hoodie and a smirk on his face, waiting for people to ask, ‘Why aren’t you dressed up?’ so he can use his clever line. ‘I’m a serial killer,’ he’ll say. ‘We look just like regular people.’ Har, har.”
Others you’ll meet include, “The person who obviously hates Halloween,” and “the guy who is wearing a dress and a woman’s wig and thinks it’s the funniest costume in history.”
If you’re not one of these types, feel free to read the rest. If you are one of these, I hope you’re the one wearing the dress and wig, because, let’s face it, that is pretty funny.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.