Hungry for a midnight snack? Be glad you live in this century. Here’s why:
• Anthropologists confirm Jamestown colonists ate people: Scientists have at last proven that colonists in Jamestown, Virginia resorted to eating human corpses in hopes of surviving a brutal winter back in the early 1600s. As the saying goes, “waste not, want not.” Eighth-grade history class just got a lot more interesting.
• Man blows entire life savings on carnival game, wins stuffed banana with dreadlocks: “For once in my life I happened to become that sucker,” says New Hampshire resident Henry Gribbohm, who dropped $2,600 on an impossible carnival game only to win a ludicrous stuffed fruit. At least he kept the embarrassing episode to himself rather than going public with the gigantic stoned banana plush, thereby dooming himself to a lifetime of humiliating self-Googles. Oh, wait.
• Man sells acres of the Moon for $19.99: After receiving a tenuous “Sure, why not?” from one of the three lawyers he asked, Nevada man Dennis Hope set up a private business that sells property on celestial bodies. He claims to have sold only 7.5 percent of the moon thus far, with much more real estate available on Mars and beyond.
• Researchers observe fish using sign language: Grouper and coral trout reportedly point their heads toward prey to clue in their friends. We imagine it helps them survive in the wild: “Hey, Pete, take a bite of the worm on that hooky thing!”
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.