Murray: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion.
Woods: The only thing that means a lot to me is winning.
Murray: To kill, you must know your enemy and in this case, my enemy, is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit—ever.
Woods: It will always be the ball and me.
GIF: Garffreak; Photo: Andrew Redington/Getty Images
On Being Special
Murray: License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will.
Woods: I don’t get to live by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me.
Murray GIF: Tumblr.com; Woods GIF: GifSoup
Murray: And [the Dalai Lama] says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Woods: In therapy I have learned the importance of keeping spiritual life and professional life balanced.
Murray photo: Jeff Gross/Getty Images; Woods photo: Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
Murray: I think it’s about time that somebody teach these varmints a little lesson about morality, and about what its like to be a decent upstanding member of a society.
Joe Murphy/Getty Images
Woods: Achievements on the golf course are not what matters, decency and honesty are what matter.
Murray photo: Joe Murphy/Getty Images; Woods photo: Hunter Martin/Getty Images
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.