This Guy’s Response to a Scammer Turned into a Hilarious Email Exchange

Spoiler alert: It's hilarious.

March-2017-VV-DOW-Scamming-scammerMarch-2017-VV-DOW-Scamming-scammer

Like you, I’m plagued by spammers. Unlike you, I decided to respond. Here are excerpts from my correspondence with a potential “business partner,” a Mr. “John Kelly.”

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
I need your help.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
John! Why? Who are you?

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Dear friend, My name is John Kelly. I am a 59-year-old man. I am in a hospital in Dubai. Recently, my doctor told me that I would not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem (cancer of the lever). I am giving my money away because of my health and the fact that my second wife is a terrifying woman to deal with, marrying her was the only mistake I made in my life. She has sold her soul to the devil and I do not want her near my money.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
I’m so sorry to hear of this. Cancer of the lever can be deadly. Your second wife sounds awful. How did she sell her soul to the devil? Are you sure it’s your lever and not your second wife poisoning you?

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
I am delighted to read your e-mail. I must trust in you base on the information from you. My wife is a very wicked woman who wants me death so that she can inherit my wealth.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
I had an idea while I was in the bath this morning. When you sit down to dinner, say “Look over there” or something, and when she’s looking in the other direction, switch plates with her. That way, if she poisoned your food, she’ll be eating it.

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
I feel sad whenever I talk about her. I need you sincere assistant to help me move and invest the sum of nine million dollars.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Forget what I said before. Don’t do the plate switcheroo. She’s crafty. She might have anticipated the plate switching and already switched them. So don’t switch the plates.

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Thank you for your kind advice. The funds are currently deposited with a private security company. Your duty is to contact the company as my representative, arrange with them and finalize the funds into your account.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
I’ve had another bath, and I think you should switch the plates. Hear me out: I think that she will have anticipated our anticipation and will give you the poison. Of course, it’s possible that she might anticipate this, though. Basically, I’m confused.

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
James Veitch you must inform me your readiness to allow me to officially introduce you to the company as my financial investment representative.

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Happy to help. Let me know the deets. Meanwhile, my wife has been acting very strangely. I’m concerned that she might be wanting me death too. It could be she’s annoyed at the number of baths I’ve been taking.

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From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
I am going on a cancer surgery operation today. Contact my lawyer with [email protected] Tell him that I have willed 9.2M to you for the good work of the God. There might be a small processing fee.

From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Dear Libberty Law,
John’s having the op today. Just in case things go pear-shaped, he’s willed 9.2M to me to spend “as frivolously as possible.” Let me know how I can best receive the money? I’ve run up a sizable water bill that I need to pay off ASAP.

From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
LibbertyLaw Chambers
Malvern Terrace, London, UK
Dear James Veitch,
We bear sad news of John Kelly’s death that reached us yesterday from Dubai Mortality and Death Records Agency. John Kelly passed out yesterday and his remains have been deposited in a mortuary and will be buried on the Monday next week in Dubai. Get back to me so that I can instruct you on how you can send the 900 USD to the court, for them to issue you the above required documents for the submission to the ING Bank for the release of the funds to you.

From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
I am so sorry to hear that John Kelly has passed out. Begin with the wife; there’s something not quite right about her. This must be hitting you hard. How are you holding up? Where is his funeral going to take place? I’m thinking of going.

From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
We categorically stated that his remains would be buried on Monday in Dubai, which is today. Yes, of a truth, his death is hitting me hard, and I am being able to hold up because of the actualization of his dreams that is near completion due to your kindness to assist him.

From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
I live in London, so I thought I’d just pop round and give you the $900 in person. Be good to meet up and chew the fat. I stopped by your corporate offices in North London, only I couldn’t find an office there. Just a cul-de-sac. What’s the deal?

Oddly enough, that was the end of our correspondence. —J. V.

Follow the author on twitter @veitchtweets, and visit his website.

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