1. I once received a toilet seat.
—Julie K., Shellsburg, Iowa
2. The book What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I was in high school and not even dating.
—Audrey A., Norfolk, Virginia
3. A fifth of whiskey, even though I’m an alcoholic.
—Clark H., Magdalena, New Mexico
4. A very nice sweater that someone had worn, stained, and regifted to me.
—Belinda M., Orangeville, Pennsylvania
5. A donation in my name to a cause I don’t support.
—Marci E., North Richland Hills, Texas
6. I got my own Christmas gift back the next year.
—Carol E., Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
7. A subscription to the Nutrisystem weight-loss program.
—Rosemary G., LaGrange, Kentucky
8. A bar of soap.
—Shirley B., Macomb, Michigan
9. A turquoise man-kini. I am 60 years old and weigh 250 pounds.
—Erich P., Phoenix, Arizona
10. An iron and ironing board from my (now ex-) husband.
—Nancy M., South Attleboro, Massachusetts
11. A book titled 101 Wines Under $5.
—Cindy M., Greensburg, Pennsylvania
12. A bag of cotton balls.
—Claudia A., Columbia Falls, Montana
13. A Christmas tree ornament. I’m Jewish.
—Cary L., Royal Oak, Michigan
14. A pill vial designed like a white elephant and filled with the baby teeth of my friend’s children.
—Marcia A., Carlsbad, California
15. Legos. I’m 34.
—Lisa A., Boise, Idaho
16. I received a book on Chinese culture written in Chinese.
—Phil H., Carmel, Indiana
17. A doorknob.
—Sweet I., Jefferson, New Hampshire
18. A used spatula.
—Sheila H., Grand Junction, Colorado
19. One slipper.
—Robin R., Smithfield, Pennsylvania
20. A book of etiquette from my mother-in-law.
—Maureen C., Pleasanton, California
21. Dental floss.
—Lisa C., Alpharetta, Georgia
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.