Clean ink stains
Next time a leaky pen leaves your hands full of ink, reach for a can of shortening. To remove ink stains from your hands and also from vinyl surfaces, rub on a dollop of shortening and wipe the stains away with a rag or paper towel.
Remove sticky adhesives
Don’t wear down your fingernails trying to scratch off resistant sticky labels and price tags. Instead use shortening to remove them (and their dried glue and gum residue) from glass, metals, and most plastics. Simply coat the area with shortening, wait 10 minutes, and scrub clean with a gentle scrub-sponge.
To make dirty galoshes shine like new again, rub on some shortening and wipe with a clean rag or cloth.
Soothe and prevent diaper rash
Next time the baby is fussing from a painful case of diaper rash, rub some shortening on his bottom for fast relief. It will soothe and moisturize his sensitive skin.
Remove tar from fabric
Tar stains on clothing are icky and tough to remove, but you can make the job easier with a little help from some shortening. After scraping off as much of the tar as you can, put a small glob of shortening over the remaining spot. Wait 3 hours, and then launder as usual.
Keep snow from sticking to shovel
Before you dig out the car or shovel the driveway after a snowstorm, coat the blade of your snow shovel with shortening or liquid vegetable oil. It will not only keep snow from sticking but also make shoveling less tiring and more efficient.
All out of your regular makeup remover? Don’t fret: Just use a dab of shortening instead. Your face won’t know the difference.
Moisturize dry skin
Why pay for fancy creams and lotions to moisturize your skin when ordinary shortening can do the trick at a fraction of the cost? Some hospitals even use shortening to keep skin soft and moist, and you can too. Next time your hands are feeling dry and scaly, just rub in a little shortening. It’s natural and fragrance-free.
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.