- Torpedo level
- Cordless drill
- Five-in-one painter’s tool
- Speed square
- Tape measure
- And I couldn’t do what I do without my partner Bayer Aspirin.
Must-know advice for planning a home renovation:
When I work, I listen to powerful songs that keep me motivated and are loud, fast and fun, like those by Iggy Pop, Kings of Leon, the Strokes, the Velvet Underground, Led Zeppelin, Pavement and anything by a new band.
Peanuts, for the protein, and frozen grapes, to satisfy my ferocious sweet tooth.
Mistakes happen. Accept them, learn from them and go with it. Sometimes it turns out better in the end — you can make crap into craptastic. Take five deep breaths; drink a glass of water. And never work with power tools when you’re tired, stressed or angry. For me, that’s all the time!
Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” —Everyone following you on Instagram
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me everything you know.”
“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol
@yoyoha (Josh Hara)
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic.