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Clean-up your DIY frustration with our special collection of housework-inspired jokes.
Domestic Divide
My husband and I have always exchanged chores around the house, including doing the dishes, which I hate to do, and mowing the lawn, which he hates to do. This worked to our mutual satisfaction until he began to be bothered by people in passing cars staring at him as he relaxed while I mowed.
He solved the problem by presenting me with a T-shirt to wear while I was cutting the grass. On the front, big letters said: "IT'S ALL RIGHT." The back of the T-shirt proclaimed: "HE DOES THE DISHES."
-- Contributed by Margaret A. Trauger
Up to Mom's Standards
I had spent the week visiting my sister, and we expected our parents to arrive the next day. Early that morning I awoke to the noise of the vacuum cleaner. My sister was hard at work sweeping, dusting and cleaning windows.
"What are you doing?" I asked sleepily, as she shoved a dust-cloth into my hand.
"Get to work. Mom and Dad will be here by noon." She raced into the kitchen and began mopping the floor.
"The place looks great," I protested. "You cleaned it just before I got here."
"Yes, but for you the house was sister clean," she replied, never breaking stride with her mop. "Now it has to be mother clean!"
I started dusting.
-- Contributed by Jane C. Sutton
The Write Idea
My husband and I had spent three days painting and decorating our large patio for a Fourth of July party. Then we cooked for the big event. After all the guests had departed, we washed dishes until midnight. Finally my tired husband sat down at the table and stared at a "Things to Do Today" memo pad, trying to plan his chores for the following day. The next morning I came into the kitchen and picked up his list. My husband had written down just one task: "Get Up."
-- Contributed by M G
Quick Clean-up
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
-- Contributed by Christine A. Barham
Vision of Cleanliness
Saturday had always been "cleaning day" in the old homestead, and my mother still adhered to the ritual after all her children had left the nest. When I stopped by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find her relaxing in a favorite chair. "Aren't you feeling well?" I asked.
"I feel fine."
"But you're not cleaning."
"After all these years I've finally figured out how to get it done in half the time," Mom told me. "I simply take off my glasses."
-- Contributed by Pat Millis
Long Path to Completion
The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of dozens of wooden squares. I decided I'd slice railroad ties into two-inch-thick pieces for the sections. That's what I told the clerk at the lumberyard.
"You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have one question. How old do you want to be when you finish?"
-- Contributed by Judy Myers
Excuses, Excuses
When my septic system was clogged, a colleague volunteered to help me. Bob climbed down into the pit with a snake and yards of cable. After 15 minutes I heard him muttering: "My mother needs a ride into the city, my brother is coming to town, my car has to go to the garage -- "
"Bob," I asked, "what are you doing?"
"Practicing," he replied.
"For what?"
"For the next time you have a problem."
-- Contributed by Carol Anne St. Aubin
Honeymoon's Over
My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the honeymoon is over. I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I lifted myself from the ladder into the attic, I scratched my forehead on a crossbeam. Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder, I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle. When I limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said, "Are those your good pants?"
-- Contributed by Richard J. Schwieterman
Eau de Product
When I was pregnant with my third child, my mother came to help with my two boys, ages four and six. Mom, who we call Mimi, also cleaned and scrubbed until the whole house was shining. The smell of her favorite cleaning agents often lingered in the air. After the baby was born, Mimi returned to her own home.
Two days later I found some stains on the kitchen counter, so I used bleach to clean them up. Just then my four-year-old walked in and asked, "Where's Mimi?"
"She went home," I replied. "Don't you remember we took her to the airport?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he asked.
-- Contributed by Karen Eldridge
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