50 Funniest Jokes

Check out our collection of some of the funniest jokes ever! These short, laugh out loud jokes are some of the best that the Reader’s Digest editors sample each month while reading through the thousands of new joke submissions that come piling in.

Doctor, Doctor Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

Timing Is Everything A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.” —Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

What’s in a Name? A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.” “There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?” The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

Quacking Up A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”

The duck replies, “Put it on my bill!”

Who’s Counting? How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That’s one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Explosively Funny Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?”

A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire. “But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

Say a Little Prayer Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer ………… and some of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

Playing With Our Words My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” “Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for the food.”

The panda yells back, “Hey, man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: “A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Fore! The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer’s friends asked, “How did you do that?” The golfer shrugged. “You have to know the bus schedule.”

Not Fade Away

  • Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
  • Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
  • Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
  • Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
  • Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.Live and Learn Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student. “Sadness,” he replied. “The opposite of depression?” he asked another student. “Elation,” he replied. “The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

    The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”

    Man’s Best Friend A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.” “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie. “I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

    Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?

    A: They have two left feet.

    Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”

    The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries. “He says you’re gonna die.”

    Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan. —Pun American Newsletter

    Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who’s going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one. “Break it to her gently,” they all urge. “Leave it to me,” he says. When Smith’s wife comes to the door, Anderson says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.” “How much?” the wife yells, eyes blazing. “Tell him to drop dead!”

    What’s Black and White and … A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

    A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?” “Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

  • Categories: Funny Stories, One-Liners

    Save The Cake!

    I left the mess tent of our northern Iraq base, carrying a…

    The Boss’s Boss

    My nephew was in the bathroom shaving when the phone rang…

    A Tough Question For Teacher

    My friend is an elementary school teacher who shares her…

    Performing for Kindergartners

    I was performing my musical 
act at an elementary school…

    Why Texting Order Matters

    My husband and I rented a cottage, and our son agreed to…

    Q: What Does Mom Use to Clean?

    I was playing a guessing game with my four-year-old…

    Bros Before Hose

    I couldn’t understand why my son was so outraged by his…

    Not So Magical After All

    After many trips over the years to Disney World with our…

    A Puzzling Questionnaire

    While filling out a doctor’s medical questionnaire, I was…

    Good Samaritan or Schmoe?

    When I saw an elderly woman struggling to get her walker…

    The Medic Needs a Medic!

    I was a medic in the Army. One day, I woke up with terrible…

    A Letter to The Editor… Then Another One

    Earlier this year, sports editor Robert Cessna received two…

    “What’s Good Tonight?”

    The question we hate having 
to answer at our…

    How to Find a Foxhole

    My gunnery sergeant and 
I were inspecting a Marine…

    Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too

    I phoned a local restaurant to 
ask if it was on the…

    Plotting Your Afterlife

    Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot…

    Flower Girl in Perpetuity

    For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old…

    The Smell of Delta

    Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a…

    Expecting a Food Baby

    I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to…

    Bested by a Parrot

    Wandering inside a pet store, 
I stopped in front of a…

    Yearbook Signers Beware…

    My son and I were checking out 
a house he was interested…

    Left. Left. Left, Right, OUCH!

    “Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed…

    Shaving with Daddy

    My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three…

    "What's Good Tonight?"

    One of the most popular questions asked at our family…

    Breeding Doubt

    I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had…

    The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists

    What are the wildest things national park guides contend…

    The Most Confusing Password

    I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet…

    Moonlighting and Other Witchcraft

    My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as…

    That Sounds Exhausting

    My granddaughter was 
graduating from college, so I asked…

    Un-intelligent Design

    We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the…

    Hungover at Sea

    It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer…

    Letters to Soldiers from Children

    Students are great about 
sending our troops letters, and…

    What Mommies Have

    As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said…

    Snappy Answers from Little Kids

    After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a…

    The Perks of Being Round

    During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one…

    A Gift From the Funeral Parlor

    During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a…

    "What Key Did I Sing in?"

    After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church…

    A Teenage Dream

    My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday…

    Baggage Claim Karma

    As I waited for my luggage 
at the airport, a man lifted…

    A Dumb Driver's-ed Answer

    My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as…

    Spotted on Facebook…

    Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How…

    Time to Reboot…

    My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them…

    She Must Not've Read It…

    While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few…

    Tattoo 'Tude

    A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in…

    The Tax Man Cometh

    A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office…

    Misreading the Signals

    My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our…

    Exterminating Grandma

    As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t…

    Chik-fail-A

    Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A…

    Parenting, the Dad-Joke Way

    My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting…

    Misfortune Cookie

    After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked…