Caretakers

I walked into the lobby of my apartment building recently and was greeted by this notice: "To whoever is watering these plants, please stop. They are the property of the building, and our maintenance staff will take care of them. They may have already been watered, in which case you will be overwatering them. Besides, these plants are fake."

  • Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?

    A: I hear invoices! Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan…

    Insulation Discrimination

    Anyone who says the sexes 
were created equal hasn’t…

    Wendy Liebman on School Reunions

    I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. 
I didn’t…

    Rita Rudner on Math and Marriage

    I’ve never been good with math, 
but I accepted it from…

    Larry Miller on Prayer in School

    As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in…

    Mike Vecchione on Detective School

    [I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I…

    Kate Mason on Useful Education

    Nothing I learned in school prepared me for life. My first…

    Craig Anton on Dreaming Big

    I want to take one 
of those English as 
a second…

    A Shallow Donation

    A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward…

    The Job You Want

    My style is “dress for the job 
you want,” and the…

    Kristen Carney on Instagram Etiquette

    “I can’t wait until your vacation is over.”…

    Kevin Nealon on Airplanes

    I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were…

    Kumail Nanjiani on Coney Island

    The Coney Island Cyclone is one of the oldest roller…

    Dennis Miller on Train Travel

    Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines…

    Steven Wright on Tourism

    I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them…

    Lew Schneider on Sunblock

    We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach…

    Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial

    There’s no “I” in denial. Peter Serafinowicz…

    Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia

    I admit that I live in the past, 
but only because…

    A Tough Question, by Jay Leno

    How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins…

    A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey

    Nostalgia: How long’s that been around? Bill Bailey…